Happy Endings

Freud would be having a field day with my dreams lately. What the hell is going on with you head????

There is a business across the street from me -- almost directly across from my apartment. I could never figure out what the business was. I never really saw a sign save for the bright, red "Open" one. One time, I even ran over there to peek in, because the door was always open. Even when I peeked in, I couldn't tell what it was. Lo and behold, it was "sensual massage parlor." I found out that the placed was raided last week and is now shut down. I knew this was a Stepford town. Those perfect little husbands are off getting themselves taken care, while the oblivious housewives complain about their hired help. Gross.

After work yesterday, I vowed to go to the gym. But, I was having dinner with my old roomies. They were making a pasta with tomato sauce and sausage. I couldn't think of anything to contribute for dinner besides beer. I had no luck finding the local BevMo, and I stole one of the roomies to hunt the place down. Aisles and aisles of beers and ales overwhelmed me, but we settled on a double chocolate stout(roomie recommendation), and a pack of hefe weizen (however you spell it) beer. We got back to the house and had a fantastic dinner. I miss those guys.

On the way to the gym, I decided I wasn't going. With chocolate stout and sausage guts, I couldn't imagine how getting on an eliptical would feel. I came home, and tried to teach myself "The Entertainer" on my keyboard. I love that song, but wow is it a tough one! I watched some online tutorials, and this one is going to take awhile for sure. I have "Ode to Joy" pretty much down, and the beginnings of Fur Elise. Maybe I'm shooting a little too high for a beginner? Maybe next week I'll join a band. Right.

I had picked up some mail at the roomies place. The ** Paralegal Association sent me an acceptance letter and a membership card. Woohoo! I imagine everyone gets in, but I was thrilled they let me in, even though I live in CA. I sent the president an email, asking her to please send my mail to my work address. I did not put my current address on there, because I really don't want the bf to know much about my move until it's time for me to leave. 5 months now? But, I should be getting notices about jobs in the area, and it's another thing to add to the resume.

Today should be a half day at work. Things just explode in Family Law this time of year it seems. The holiday stress can really break already fragile and emotional people down. Maybe I should get into a colder area of law, like business. I've always been interested in employment, elder, and criminal law. But, I think personal injury is where the money is with those huge settlements.

I'm making the bf do SOMETHING tonight. So, we are going to go to dinner and see Avatar in 3d, which I really want to see.

To anyone that reads, Happy New Year, and best wishes for a fantastic 2010!!!

Metal on Metal

So, I skipped a blog yesterday. It is really hard to do this every single day!

Yesterday was foggy and cold. It felt suffocating to me, much like the status of my relationship. I went into work, and tried not to feel too down.

Typical day of work, and then I went to a friend's place to throw in a load of laundry. She had a very innocent looking Netflix disc called "Anvil." We popped that sucker in, and while my clothes twirled and spun, we watched a documentary about this amazing group called Anvil.

These Canadian dudes are in their 50's and still rocking it pretty hard. And, they are nice Jewish boys I might add. The lead singer is super spiritual, philosophical, and emotional. I just loved him. Apparently, they have been rocking for 30 years, and are really amazing musicians, but have had horrible luck with managers. They are still trying to "make it" and become rockstars, so if I ever win the lottery, I'm totally investing in these guys.

New Year's is coming up soon. I feel pretty "meh" about it. I asked the bf if we could go out and do something. Maybe go to the water to see some fireworks. We'll see if that actually happens.

I had a dream last night about visiting friends in Texas. These are friends that live in Colorado, so not sure why they were in TX in my dream. I drove there to see them. They were living on the west side of Texas. There was snow everywhere and we tried to jump around in it. We went to bed, and in the morning, the snow was gone, and the air was hot and humid. I asked what happened to our pretty snow. Somehow, in the morning, we wound up on the east side of Texas. So weird.

Sort of the same ole same ole going on here. Meeting with my previous roomies for dinner tonight, and then I'm hitting the gym. I have skipped two days and I feel weird.

Double post

We went to the mochi pounding this morning. It was hard to get up, but I dragged myself out of bed, and made the trek into the city again. The temple is small and humble, but we only get to hang out in the kitchen area...we don't actually go into the temple.

The pounding was going in full force when we got there. A man with his hand covered in hot, sticky rice was rolling it around in the bin, as another man banged the sledgehammer like weapon down on the rice. It's an ancient Japanese tradition to do this for New Year's, and it can be like a choreographed dance with one person turning rice, and the other pounding it to oblivion. When the rice turns into a ball, glutenlike substance, it's turned over to the table of women in aprons. They dust it with flour, and turn it into little balls of mochi, which is then sold.

Bf's mom ran into an old family friend and we got the royal treatment. She set us up chairs and hooked it up with the hot soup, which is amazing. There are many Japanese plants and roots in the soup, and one of them is a lotus root. It's supposed to symbolize good luck and I got one in my first cup of soup. She also gave us a sweet rice ball sprinkled with seaweed.

We put in our mochi order and then went to downtown Japantown. There is a new store called New People. It's three floors of shopping goodness, well one floor is a gallery. It's the first store of it's kind in the U.S., and it's modeled after trendy stores in Japan. The clothing line is very "gothic lolita," which I love and adore, but can never fit into. The first floor was a bunch of knick knack type items, with books, ice cream and cake shaped candles, fun jewelery, and weird little toys.

When we got to the second floor, holy moly, I was in heaven. Ruffled and lace dresses and skirts galore. I took a deep breath and headed into the madness. The dresses were absolutely beautiful, but when I looked at the price tag, I knew it was over. No dress was under $200. Yikes. The skirts and shirts were not under $100 a pop, and I just wandered about, touching the clothes I knew I would never have, or fit into.

We went back to get our mochi order, then off to the Japanese market. I got myself a can of azuki beans to dip my mochi into. They have great food, and I was tempted and teased by the gyoza, sweet potato croquettes, sweet and sour pork, and pork buns. I didn't get any of it because I knew I wouldn't be able to hold back.

I drove bf's mom home, and then went to the car cleaning place. I try to get my car cleaned out once a month, and it feels really good to vaccuum and dump all the junk. I looked in the trunk, and saw stuff I knew I would not be taking with me on my next journey, so I dumped it. Just like that. I dumped old school work, dresses I never finished, crappy pillows I made...just gone. I get so worried sometimes about how I'm going to take all my stuff with me, so it felt good to lighten the load a little, even if it did tug on my heart a little. Just trying to loosen the attachment strings a little.

I have my laundry sitting in my car, so eventually, I will be forced to do it. I really hope my next place has a washer and dryer because going to laundromats is pretty much the pits.

As I pulled into the parking area of my apartment, I saw crazy neighbor lady. She smiled at me and asked if I wanted to hit her joint. I certainly do not, crazy neighbor lady. I then told her that if we don't answer the door, there is usually a reason for that, and it's not ok to just walk into the apartment. I did not say this in a mean or angry way, just matter of fact. She was a little surprised and told me she kept saying "knock knock," but nobody came to the door. I told her again, if we don't come to the door, there is a reason for it, and that if it were just an emergency, I would understand. But, to barge into my home to just beg for a cigarette was not ok. She thanked me for confronting her about it, and I told her I was about to pee my pants, so I had to run. I'm glad I said something though, because I think it's completely out of line for her to just walk in. She is not a friend, nor do I have that close of a friendly neighbor rapport with her to warrant her just walking in. She's crazy, and I don't want her wandering around in our place.

I'm surrounded by christmas paper and presents, and I can't bring myself to clean it all up.

Tomorrow is the bf's birthday. Another day of nonstop craziness. I need a break from my vacation!

Ovo

Cirque du Soleil...what an amazing show. The show this year was "Ovo."

We took the ferry into the city. I wore heels despite the lectures about the mile walk to the show. I defiantly walked the mile (which felt like way more) to the tents. As we got close, it started to rain.

We went into the Tapis Rouge, which is the VIP tent. Oh la la. It was dark inside, with red velvet couches sprawled around. Waiters walked around with trays of peanut chicken satay and braised pork sliders. I grabbed myself a glass of champagne and strolled up to the food bar. Little crackers with cream cheese and jelly, sushi rolls with grilled eggplant on top, skewers of kalamata olives and sweet, lemon cheese, and my favorite, prosciutto and mint leaf wrapped breadsticks completed the spread. I must have run back and forth to that food bar at least five times, grabbing satay and pork sliders on the way.

The hour went by fast, and the 5-minute until show time announcement was made. We headed into the other tent and got into our seats. The shows theme was bugs - the life, love, and trials and tribulations....of....bugs...

Shiny, green grasshoppers greeted us and made funny faces at the audience. Then the spiders, scarabs, and ants made a showing. I would not say it was my favorite Cirque (Allegria and Ka are up there for me), but it was very creative and magical. The king bug stole an egg from I think a cockroach, so there was a story about getting the egg back mixed in. At the very end of the show, thousands upon thousands of colored foil butterflies were released, and rained down on the audience. A butterfly was stuck to the corner of my eye, and in everyone's hair.

I was pretty wiped after the show, and we got in the bf's mom's friend's car and headed to the ferry building. Once on the ferry, I immediately passed out, and was ready to head home. We dropped the bf's mom home, and went back to the apartment. I was so tired that I didn't know what to do with myself. I hopped on the keyboard and reluctantly stopped with the Ode to Joy lesson, and moved on to Fur Elise, Mozart's 5th, and Pachabelle's Canon. I love, love, love how classical music sounds on a piano/kb. The bars lit red for me as my fingers chased the keys.

The bf came up to me, and rested his head on my head. It was bothering me, and I shrugged him off me. He got very irritable at me, and again complained that I am not affectionate with him. I got angry back. But, I got angry because I know he's right. I'm just not affectionate with him anymore. I can't force myself to be, and all night as he gave me the most amazing compliments on my new dress and makeup, I couldn't help but wish he would stop. He kept telling me he loves me so much. After I shrugged him off, he walked away angrily into the living room, and I knew he was pissed. I feel like a total jerk, because he deserves someone who will love him back the way he loves. But, we have had "the conversation" several times, and he knows where I stand. I'm beginning to wonder about some of those "options" of mine again. But, I have some other thoughts in mind, like starting to send out boxes of stuff I don't need, but want to keep to the folks in Florida sooner, rather than later.

I then heard a voice at the door. "Knock knock" it said. Oh god, it was the crazy ass neighbor. I mean out of her fucking mind, certifiably insane. "Knock knock" it said louder. I ignored the voice, hoping it would go away. But, oh no, not with this lady. I heard our door open, and heard the bf ask what she wanted. I thought she was inside our apartment, so I flipped off the kb and went out into the living room. She was begging for a cigarette and I gave her one. "Ok, bye," I said. (I know this sounds cold, but really, she is a nut) She started going on about a man 10 years younger than her wanted to have an affair with her. I told her I was really busy and had to go. She then told me if she did it with him, "she wouldn't be too loud." Ok, seriously, goodbye lady. I scooted her out the door, and we heard her verbally attacking another innocent neighbor. The woman should not be living alone, she is really unstable, and I do feel bad for her, but I just don't have the patience to deal.

I am off to the mochi pounding at the temple today. The past few days have been nonstop, and the "me" time has been close to nil. I imagine this will be a full day event, although I really hope it won't be. I have yet to do the laundry I was supposed to do before Christmas, and my clothes are in serious need of some tending to.

The Half Blood Prince

I had a great Christmas. I started off the morning by picking up bf's mom and her ferret. My yams and mac and cheese were in the oven, and when we came back to the apartment, everything was nearly ready.

We sat around for awhile eating baked brie and crackers. Then it was time for presents. I don't care if it's selfish, but opening presents is the best part of the day for me.

As we opened presents, and my pile of socks, dvds (the latest harry potter!), necklaces, gift cards, and books grew, I kept staring at the box under the blanket. Finally, the box was revealed. No, it was not a guitar, but, it was a keyboard! Total score. We set it up, and I showed off my amazing talent by wowing my 2 person audience with Mary Had a Little Lamb and Where is Thumpkin. It's a sweet looking casio kb with a stand. Do I know how to play? Hell no. But, I'm so thrilled to have my first real instrument to play with.

After presents, we ate our Texas brisket and trillions of side dishes. I tend to go overboard with the cooking on holidays. After eating, I literally went into a food coma. I couldn't move. What's going on with my body? Can it just not take all the food it used to? Does the evil gym have something to do with getting in the way of my food consumption? I went into my room and passed out on the bed for a couple of hours. I woke up the smell of bread pudding and the sound of Pirates of the Caribbean playing.

I played with the ferret, cozied up on the couch, and just tried to relax for a bit. I did get a little sad myself thinking that this IS the last Christmas with them. I went through my own little crisis where I started to think..."why would I leave this?"

When we have good days, we have really good days. And, I question myself and my decisions. But when I think about my future, that's where it sucker punches me in the gut and reminds me of why I have to do this. I'm not making this decision for the now, but for a future me and a potential future family of which I will not have the option if I stay put. Also having a non-hermit partner would be pretty rad. Everything still feels too far off to be real and tangible. But, a wise friend told me that these months will fly by, so I will patiently wait for that to happen and make sure to enjoy myself in the meantime.

After I took bf's mom home, and came back to the apartment, I couldn't decide whether to play with my new toy or watch Harry Potter. Decisions, decisions. I played with my toy and tried to reteach myself Ode to Joy, which is one of my favorite musical sounds. I went online to find the most unhelpful beginner keyboard tutorials, and then vegged out with Harry, Hermoine, and Ron.

I went to the gym this morning with my friend. We went to her gym. The "J." My goodness, do the Jews do it up. I can say that, I'm Jewish. The gym was gorgeous. The locker room was carpeted with brown soothing tones, and there was a sauna and even blowdryers. We went up to the reception desk to sign me in as a guest and it looked like a reception area for a big firm. The workout area was small, but nice. The eliptical machines had individual televisions on them, and I turned on MTV. I watched a show about teen moms. I wasn't sure if this was a show attempting to glorify and romanticize being a teen mom, or if it was meant to scare kids. I couldn't make heads or tails of why this show was on, but it was interesting nonetheless.

I am showered now, with freshly shampooed hair, and ready to get on my new dress for Cirque!

Merry Christmas, ya'll

I found out the big present is not a guitar. I was envisioning myself sitting around a campfire, being the cool girl with a guitar. Or maybe I could retire the air guitar and make some real noise. Poop.

Christmas is kind a big deal for me. I'm a total Jew, so this is completely contradictory to, well, everything for me. I never celebrated Christmas until I moved to California to be with my agnostic boyfriend and his Buddhist mother. Go figure. Christmas was pretty much a non-eventful day for me. It was so non-eventful that I have no childhood memories of it...not even going out for Chinese food.

I enjoy decorating a tree. I enjoy getting fake snow and piling presents under it. I enjoy cooking and eating all day until I can take no more. It's the one day, I really, extra specially enjoy being a gluttonous consumer with no qualms.

Tomorrow is Cirque du Soleil. After returning some shirts to the mall yesterday, I wandered back into my new favorite store, Kohl's. The mega sales were too hard to resist. I got myself a really cute dress to wear to Cirque.

Sunday is the mochi pounding at the Buddhist temple. I go every year (save last year as I was celebrating in CO). They make delicious soup and fresh mochi. Any event with the bf's mom takes all day, so a couple hour event will somehow turn into all day...and I still have not done my laundry.

Monday is my bf's birthday. He's working, so it's gonna be a late night birthday celebration. He likes his celebrations very small (which is part of the root issues with him), so it will be him, me and his mom...again.

Not to sound cranky about the stuff going on here, but I do want to express a small amount of annoyance that the next four days will be spent with bf and bf's mom. It can get a little under my skin sometimes.

I managed to hit the gym yesterday, and it looks like I lost two pounds. That's either from a)taking off my shoes this time when I went on the scale, or b)being done with my period. Whatever it may be, I was happy to see a couple of pounds gone, but I'm really unsure which part of my body that came from. Everything still looks the same?

Each day has its ups and downs. It's so strange to be feeling such a range of emotions, and interesting to review my blogs to see how often they change. I am so curious to read these blogs six months from now, from a totally new mental (and physical) space.

A Series of Fortunate Events

So yesterday started off pretty sucky. I had another 10-hour workday. It seems that families in trouble just really hit the bottom this time of year. (I work in Family Law) As we dealt with restraining orders, jerks who won't let moms see their kids for the holidays, and other acts of brutality, I thought..."is christmas really only two days away?"

My phone was being blown up with texts and messages from a friend. Our friend, who is moving away and having her own life adventure, was having a going away shindig in the city. I wanted to get out of work so badly to join everyone, and I could feel my blood pressure rising as I dealt with this crazy work stuff. Finally, around 7:00ish, I was free! I ran my happy ass to the bank with bonus check in hand. Full tank of gas and $6 for bridge toll was all I needed. Or, so I thought.

I have a boyfriend. So, as a courtesy, I let him know my plans. I knew he had been sitting on his arse all day playing video games and would not be up for a spontaneous run into the city. I also thought he would get pissy at me for wanting to go, as we had exciting plans for christmas food shopping. Woo.

I ran through many possible scenarios of how to tell him I wanted to go to the city. Then, I felt stupid for having to do that. So, I just blew into the apartment like a storm, and told him I had a shitty day at work, and that I was going into the city to have fun with friends and say goodbye to one of them. We got into a bit of a fight, and he tried to guilt trip me for taking off without him.

Guilt trip and all, I flew right back out the door and headed into the city. As I was driving and listening to music, I could feel myself decompressing from the long, stressful day, and it felt nice.

After some wrong turns and small panic attacks, I found myself at Kiki's! It was a humble, little joint, and I looked up to see a large group of people sitting around the table. I was in a manic mood, and started babbling and babbling. I can get very shy around big groups sometimes, but not last night. As K poured me a shot of Sake, and we toasted to adventures, I was a little sad that she was leaving. I say "a little" only because I am so happy for her for following her heart and going on an amazing adventure. I know what she went through to get there, and I am right on her heels doing the same!

I went out for a smoke with K's brother. Turns out he is a gamer dork just like me! He is also moving to the same state I'm moving! How about them apples?? We had a fantastic chat about why we want to move there, and had a good laugh about the bad rep the state gets, which we find quite silly. And, another guy at the table is from the exact area I want to be! He looked at me aghast and could not believe I wanted to move from the Bay to there! "Why would you want to do that?" he asked in awe. He told me that the area is not diverse at all, and that it was silly for me to move there. Au Contraire Papa Bear. Don't rain on my parade! I spouted off my speel like a well rehearsed child saying a prayer. He couldn't argue too much with me, because, I just didn't let him.

After Kiki's, we took a ride down to Daly City for icecream. I hate driving in the city at night...even during the day actually. Alas, I hopped in the car with two companions. One was a school friend, and the other was a friend of school friend. I'll call them....SF(school friend) and CF(cranky friend). So SF sat up front, and CF sat in the back. My car was quite messy from running around like a nut the past few days, and I'm certain CF did not approve. SF and I blasted my wonderful 80's music and sang along, while CF sat in the backseat quite miserable. She mentioned several times that she was "too young" to know this music. I wanted to turn around and smack the young right out of her face. The ice cream shop was closed, and some of the folks were going to catch a showing of Avatar, so we had a time schedule to keep. After much discussion, and after much whining from me about driving again, 6 of us piled into a 4-5 person car.

I wound up on the laps, and CF sat bitch. Because we didn't want to get cited for not wearing seatbelts, I literally spread out on everyone. I was squashing CF, but I didn't care too much. She kept moaning about getting alcohol and how she wanted to get drunk. We went to Nations, a 24-hour pie and hamburger place I had never heard of. I was still full from dinner (and really picky about my baked goods), so I didn't get anything. But, we sat around and chatted until it was time to pile back into the clown car. After much squealing, squeaking, moaning and groaning, we made it back to our destination. I gave K and her bro a big hug, and that was that.

SF and CF went back into my car. I turned my music on again, much to CF's disappointment. SF and I went all 80's on her ass, and we were screaming our lungs out to the music. I dropped the two girls out, and was on my way...but only for a moment. There was a huge accident that kept me stuck in traffic for nearly an hour, but what can ya do?

I made it back home, feeling really good and relaxed. I saw a huge box "wrapped" in a blanket near the tree. It was a present for me. I quizzed the bf on what it was. He wouldn't cave. But, I'm pretty good at guessing, and I think he got me a guitar! I am no musician, but I have always wanted a guitar so I could learn. I love music, and I'm a damn fine air guitarist. For my birthday last year, I told him I wanted a guitar. I got a bottle of absynthe instead. This absynthe is still sitting in the cupboard, untouched. I was pissed that he got me that because that was a present for him. All I wanted was a guitar. So, maybe he's making up for last birthday's snafu. Or maybe it's not a guitar at all, but I can't really imagine what else it could be.

As I was playing on the computer, he turns around and says to me "You know what's sad.." I mumbled "what" to him. He swiveled in his chair and said "This is our last Christmas together." I looked up at him. I couldn't think of anything to say to that. I told him I just didn't know what to say.

I woke up at 7am today, even though I have no work. My body just wakes up early now on its own accord. I have a very busy day ahead of me today.

-Go to the gym (skipped yesterday). I'm bringing a little notebook, so I can start writing down what I'm doing and my weight so I can track myself.
-Do laundry. Man, I have a ton of freaking laundry...not happy about this
-Return clothes. I got two cute shirts from hot topic that hug me so tight I won't go out in public with them on.
-Get meat. I left my Texas brisket at work, so now I need to trek up to work and get it so we have xmas dinner
-Food shopping. Yams, hams, mac and cheese, dinner rolls, etc. I have to get it all today, but making the bf go with me for this one.
-Clean. The apartment looks like a bomb went off. This makes me crazy, I like to be neat and cozy. I'm not touching dishes though with my freshly manicured nails. Screw that. I hope my next place has a dishwasher.
-Pay bills. Thank you xmas bonus for allowing me to pay my bills early.

I think that's all. Doesn't seem so bad now that it's all typed out.

I might have a third for my roadtrip. Another old friend of me and roadtrip guy may join us. At first, I was a little nervous at the thought because I really want a mellow trip, but he convinced me that it would be fun. She mentioned camping at the Grand Canyon and other fun things, so maybe that will work out!

I've got the babysitting blues...

I had to reference the movie at some point. But, I am feeling a bit of the blues tonight. After a 10-hour workday, I suppose that's only natural, but there are a few thoughts in this head of mine that are contributing to the blues besides a long work day.

First though, about work. I definitely am feeling a little bit enmeshed. By enmeshed, I mean that I'm feeling the stress of an office not bringing home the bacon. When clients don't pay, I don't get good holiday bonuses. A little bratty? Maybe. But, I work my buns off in that place, and get very annoyed when wealthy clients make an active choice not to pay, then become passive aggressive when questioned about this. My bonus will be small, but I am lucky to get one. Though, when we talk about the finances at work, I can feel my chest tighten, and I definitely take on feeling more of the burden than I should. That seems to be my nature though, and something that I need to work on.

I'm feeling very "bah humbug" tonight about the holidays. And, I've been super good about getting over some recent things in my life, but sometimes it just comes back to bite you in the tush. If my plans of just a few months ago had come to be, I would be in my snowy winter wonderland right now. I would be much closer to my family, and I would be satisfied in being where I wanted to be. I have put a real lid on what happened in that situation, but the lid is busted wide open tonight, and I feel really f-ing pissed about how things worked out. I'm pissed that I didn't get to take the christmas walk in NYC as promised, and I'm pissed that I'm not in that adorable yellow house this year. Could I possibly be a little..b..b..b..BITTER? Yeah, I think so, and I think it's warranted. At least for tonight.

As I am typing this out and e-venting, I remember the promise that I made to myself when things fell apart. That I would create adventures for myself and not depend on another person to create them for me. And I mean big, life altering adventures. If I had made the move when I was supposed to, would things have lasted? Would I be lonely and miserable because I depended on another to do this transition? Would I be on the other coast, twiddling my thumbs? I will never know the answer to that, and I sometimes wonder it ever crosses this other person's mind too. Regardless, I need to focus on looking ahead, and remember that I am in charge of my own destiny, and I will work very hard on making my next adventure as smooth as possible.

Brittany, you too?

I realize I had no personal relationship with Brittany Murphy, but I can't help but feel sorrow for another soul who has lost a life at such a young age. In fairness, I feel sympathy for ANYONE I hear of who has lost a life, not just Hollywood celebrities. It is hard to hear of these untouchable people (Health Ledger, MJ) losing their lives much too soon. As I was looking through pictures of Brittany Murphy, I noticed how horrifyingly skinny she was in her later photos. She used to have a cute little pudge on her during her Clueless time. But, the latest photos are downright scary. It makes me wonder if this death was related to an eating disorder. Or maybe drugs, but I'm pretty sure this has to be linked to her unhealthy weight in some way.

Not to be crude given what my prior paragraph says and no disrespect meant, but I did see my personal trainer at the gym today. When you sign up for 24 Hour Fitness, you get a free personal training session. I met with Fred today. He was a very warm guy with some great glasses. We had an honest discussion of goals, wherein I point blank told him, I will never count my calories or deprive myself of food pleasures. He then proceeded to pinch all my fatty spots with his demonic fat pinching device and gave me my BMI. I'm too horrified to type out what it was, but I looked at him and said "well, this is why I'm here!" I did learn some good stretching techniques from him, and I also learned that you are not supposed to weight lift everyday. Cardio is ok to do everyday, but with resistance training, you must give your body a break. Good to know! I really enjoy my eliptical machine. I get right in front of the tv, and I've watched some pretty good shows! I watched a show about aliens attacking teenagers. Another one about a monster slayer. The best was a show about two teenage goth boys. They took these "hot goth chicks" to a cemetery in an attempt to woo the ladies, but it just didn't work. One of the boys is obsessed with his movie hero, Bruce something, and is a total nerd with a lame mohawk. Totally loved that show.

My friend took me up on her IOU birthday present of a manicure/pedicure today. I haven't had one in forever (being thrifty!), but I do enjoy them so very much. There is a great little salon near my apartment that is super zen and relaxing. We walked in and as she got her lashes tinted, I rested my feet in warm, swirling water. I put the massage chair on, and ahhhh! I went with pink today. I'm normally a red and black fingernails kind of gal, but I was really feeling the natural pink. Very unlike me, but I went with it. The toes are a shiny, light pink, and the fingernails a darker pink, with white tips and a little strip of silver sparkle in between. I feel kind of festive.

After the spa treatment, we went out for some Thai food, which has really started to grow on me. I got a pad basil chicken, which was so spicy that my nose started running, and I can feel the chili in my tummy hours later.

I called my ma today, and we had a good hour conversation. I talked to her about my move some more, and planned out some of the details. There are small things, like getting my mail forwarded to her address in the interim; shipping out boxes early so I don't have to get a hitch; getting set up on online banking for my car payments. There is a lot to do, but how much of it is reasonable to do this early in the game? Regardless, it was great to talk to her about it, as she would love nothing more for me than to move back to Florida. Ugh. Showing her how thought out this decision is, and how much pre-planning I have thought through really showed her how serious I am about this. Every question she had, I had an immediate response. I think it's hard on the folks that I live so far, but the next move will be much closer to them for sure, and they know I just can't fathom the thought of living in Florida again. I'd take snowstorms over hurricanes and 10 months of suffocating heat anyday.

I then talked to my friend who will be doing the cross-country drive with me. I told him the states we were going through, and his wife has family scattered about (and I know some folks too), so we have some solid stopping points along the way. He is a very calm and practical person, so he's definitely someone I could do this long drive with. I told him when I wanted to do this...end of may/early June, as school ends May 29 or so. He plans on requesting time off work, and then I need to buy him a plane ticket! I feel like things are "happening."

In two weeks, I sign up for my last classes of this program, and that will be incredibly exciting. I'm even more excited for my beautiful financial aid check that will take care of my money woes for awhile. I know I have to pay it back, but really, who DOESN'T have student loans to pay back nowadays? If my car loan and student loan are the only debts I have, that's not too bad at all!

Taking it easy

Some nights, I appreciate just sitting around, eating a good dinner with a stupid movie. Tonight is such a night.

This morning I was feeling pretty ick and took a nap to get out of the funk. That did not work, and really created an opposite effect. I decided to go to a place I never go. The mall. I'm not so much into malls, but today was special...it was HOLIDAY SHOPPING!

The mall was recently renovated, so it was done up pretty nicely. I casually strolled into the H&M, which has adorable clothes...if you are a size 4. As I looked at the other shoppers in the store, and then looked down at my boots, thigh highs, and black skirt, I started feeling like I was in the wrong store. I casually strolled right out of the store and landed myself into the Hot Topic. I had a gift card left over from last year's holidays, so I got myself two new tops - Hello Kitty, and an adorable faeiry lady. I couldn't find gifts for anyone else in there, so I aimlessly wandered the hallways...and then there it was...KOHL'S. I have heard of this place, but never stepped foot in one. Crikes, I was in shopping bliss for the next hour. Sales galore and a whole upstairs for houseware stuff! I spent a good chunk of time in the dressing room with cute dresses that just did not work with my monster boobs. I did find a great workout top at 60% off.

I left Kohl's and got into my car and screamed myself silly to Blondie. I have to say, singing really loudly in my car makes me incredibly happy. I could drive around for hours just singing and playing the air drums. I went to the gym and put on my new top. It felt pretty awesome. Finally, I was in the "club." The cool workout attire club that is. Still have the shiny purple PJ bottoms for pants, but baby steps. I worked on my favorite machine for about 40 minutes. I did the cross training 2, which was great. I could feel the sweat pouring out of my hair follicles. That's how I like it...nice and sweaty, so I feel like I'm doing a real work out.

The gym is doing wonders for my moods. It's not so much about losing weight as it is about overall health and well-being. Ok, it does have to do with weight more than I'd like to admit, but I will never, and can never, be a calorie counting, super healthy eater. I enjoy food in all it's butter glory way too much to limit myself. But, I'm hoping that the new morning regime of apples or bananas, a light turkey sandwhich for lunch, combined with working out will do SOMETHING. But, I do notice that I'm feeling more "up" about things and keeping a much more positive attitude.

I may have even manifested some roommates...or maybe they manifested me? If the current roommate prospective works out, I will be so pleased, and it will leave me with finding a job as the only stress...which doesn't really stress me out too much. I'd be happy slinging coffee (and I was happy doing that for many years) to pay the bills if need be. I was chatting with my friend who lives in PA, and I had the best time chatting with her about the fun stuff we plan to do! There is also a piece of me very excited for my little nephew. He is so adorable and he's just such a great kid. He is obsessed with snow (just like me!) and I really want to be able to have my nephew visit for winter break and play in the snow with him. I know it would make him incredibly happy, and I hope to provide that for him next year. He's also obsessed with Colorado, so Steph, we may need to do a Boulder trip too!

I went shopping at the grocery store and got fixings for a yummy spaghetti dinner. Asparagus with lemon and butter, spaghetti stuff, and a wheat baguette for some homemade garlic bread. I started getting texts about going out with friends, and I realized I just wasn't in the mood to be driving all over the place again. I did bail on the plans, but now I'm home.

I cooked myself a nice dinner and I'm watching Buddy the Elf. Tomorrow, I have a 9am meeting with the gym trainer, a manicure/pedicure date that I owe someone for a belated birthday, and then maybe a cookie bake-off and a movie!

I have a resume to finish for my last school assignment, and need to find time to do laundry before Christmas. Yikes!

8 crazy nights...

After work I went to Whole Foods, where I found some wonderful freshly baked honey challah. I love that stuff like nobody's business. Ran to my friend's house to enjoy the last night of Chanukah with her and the kiddos. She makes the best matzo ball soup I have ever had in my life, and I was thrilled to see the big pot stewing with balls, parsnip, celery, and fresh dill. Oh my.

As I watched her struggle with her two children and attempting to feed herself in the process (don't worry, I jumped into to help), I realized that nothing is permanent. They were a perfect couple. I couldn't imagine either one without the other. Then, when she was 6 months pregnant, he filed for divorce. Pretty damn cold in my opinion. It reminded me of when my sister had her two babies, and she came back to live with us after her husband beat her up. I remembered sitting there paralyzed with my sister as she screamed at her kids, but it was really her own frustrations and fears that she was projecting. I haven't experienced that for about 12 years, and there I was again last night. My heart goes out to her for what she's going through, and I can only hope that by letting her vent, helping with her kids when I can, and getting manicures and pedicures with her will ease some of the pain she's constantly feeling.

I'm feeling a little blah today. Matzo ball soup and latke hangover? PMS? Perhaps. But, here I am in my jammies, just lazing about. I have many holiday presents to wrap and cards to mail out. That's right, I'm getting good at mailing out cards this year, dammit!

I told myself not to go overboard with the presents. I tried so hard to control myself at Barnes and Noble the other night, but it's out of my control and the shopping gods have taken over this part of my brain. There is a new Brian Froud book (my favorite faeiry guy) out, but I did hold back. A new Nick Hornby. A comic I really want to get into. There were movies I wanted so, so badly. I stood steady though, and did not give in. I did go crazy getting presents for others though. Huge ouchie on the wallet. I've resigned myself to the fact that this month is not the right month for saving money. I also have not gotten my holiday bonus, which I know is coming, but still it's hurting the pocketbook right now. I was hoping for the bonus, so I could go shopping with it...not pay it back to my credit card after the damage has been done! I'm not anywhere near the redzone though, and there is an upward lift in moving finances, just this month is very rough and I'm not tucking as much away as I have been. But today, I will check out and wrap my stash, and see if I'm really done shopping...oh that would be heavenly.

The bf's mom got us VIP passes to the Cirque du Soleil right after Christmas. This is the bf's birthday present. He's a lucky, lucky guy and I get to reap some of the benefits of that!

I should also be hopping to the gym. I am too late for the asskicking class of last week, which is mighty fine with me. I need to build up more stamina before doing that out again.

I'm signed up on all of these job alerts, so I get daily emails of new postings. Apparently Geico has a legal office right near where I'm going to be. I hurriedly went to apply and upload my resume...BUT...my trial microsoft word has expired and it's completely locked out of editing. So no more uploading resumes! This is a HUGE pain. I do have microsoft works, but hardly anyone is compatible with that program. I did find a temporary solution to this though. I can open wordpad document, then copy and paste my works resume into it. That works for a little while, and then for some weird, unknown reason, it converts it into microsoft word 2007 and is flippin' locked again! This is making me a little wonky. I did manage to upload the resume, and I started filling out the next few pages of the application. The page timed out, and everything was deleted. So instead of getting hotheaded about it, I just closed the damn thing out. The microsoft word issue could pose a huge, annoying problem for me as I head into this next semester with a full load. I will be horribly annoyed at having to convert everything over and then having lock up issues. The only solution I can think of right now is to do my assignments in wordpad, and then immediately email it to myself, so I can toy with it at work. I should just buy the program, but it is mighty expensive!

Time to turn on the tube and wrap some presents!

TGIF

Seriously, TGIF. This week has been an asskicker in all forms. My body is wondering what the hell I'm doing to it with apples, bananas, and running machines. I just know it's in revolt. Luckily, I've been fueling it with my normal dinner foods so it doesn't go into total shock.

Work has been a little stressful. My boss took us out to the farmer's market for lunch (sausage, mmmm!), which I know is her way of decompressing a little.

Tonight is the last night of Chanukah, and I'm celebrating in style. Well, celbrating with matzo ball soup, latkes, and challah bread. I'm going over to a friend's place tonight to enjoy said dinner, and I'm gonna pick up some gelt for the kiddos.

This time of year has it's pleasures and sadnesses for me. I love the cold, crisp weather, and boy do I just love getting good presents. But this time of year always reminds me how far I am from my family. It's not that I so much long to be with them, because after a few days I tend to go bonkers. It's more that I wish for a more "family" celebration. The bf has so much family around here...a huge, wonderful family. The problem is that he doesn't talk to them. He is very stubborn and insists that xmas is spent with him and his mom. I'm Jewish, so christmas was never really a big deal for me, but if I am going to celebrate it, I want to do it big time...with lots of people around!

The above situation is the actual crux (did I use that word right? sounded right)of the bf situation. I'm pretty family driven. As I've gotten older, I appreciate family more than ever, and maybe it's my clock, but I've even thought about little ones of my own. I have never really been interested in having kids, but I realize that you can't fight biology sometimes, and this is just where I'm at. The bf is not interested in a family of his own...at all. I imagined us getting old and grey, and having no family around. That thought is unbelievably depressing to me. As he went on to talk about how disgusting kids were and how much he hated them, it actually hurt my heart to listen. I told him to stop because I didn't need an explanation as to why. But, just knowing that he doesn't is a little heartbreaking. I know if I stay with him too long and become too old to have children, I will hate him for the rest of my life. I told him that. He agreed.

I think when I move, I'm going to take a relationship hiatus. I may have already said this in prior post, but this blog is for me, so I'm reinforcing myself here. Moving to a new place will most likely make me a bit vulnerable I imagine. At the first chance of a relationship, I'll want to hop on board and immerse myself. So, I'm going to *try*, I mean make a real attempt here, to not jump into anything when I move. To give myself a well needed break and the opportunity to find my own friends and activities before I give myself away to another. I also want some time to have fun, and not worry about taking care of another human for a bit. I'll worry about my own dinner for awhile. The biggest thing is that I want to get strong. Mentally and emotionally strong. I want to be able to recognize a bad situation and get out of it. I want to be unavailable to someone and have them chase me for a bit. I want a lot of things, but taking a relationship break will be necessary for me. We'll see how I feel after a month of flying solo though!

Yesterday was again a productive gym day. I look forward to going to the gym now. I have my zebra gym bag in the car, packed with pants, a shirt, shoes, and a towel, so there are no excuses for me! But, I haven't had to make any excuses. Gym+blogging have been a huge stress reliever for me. Now if only my boss would toss me a nice holiday bonus....

WTF?

great house, easy going roomate, free (penn*****)
Date: 2009-12-17, 9:19AM EST
Reply to:

I am looking for female that is open to casual encounters, I live alone and am not into weird freaky stuff just attention and affection every now and then. I am usually very busy and am not looking for a girlfriend but would like to have someone around. If it sounds like we can make an arrangement the house is very nice and you would have your own large bedroom and bathroom. I would not want you to ever feel uncomfortable and would respect your boundaries as well as you with mine. Please send pictures and brief description of yourself when replying.


SERIOUSLY DUDE, WTF?? He sounds harmless, a little lonely, but REALLY MAN...WHAT THE HELL KIND OF POSTING FOR A ROOMMATE IS THIS??

Piano Man

I've been listening to a lot of Billy Joel. Well, more like listening to the same song from Billy Joel a lot, and by a lot, I mean on repeat all the way to and from work. It's such a great song.

Last night, I realized I needed to have a sit down with the bf. A real, grown-up talk about some things. I told him we needed to talk, and we promptly moved to the couch. I told him that he can't take his anger about our situation ON me. He told me he didn't like being "shit on" by me. I then reminded him of our talk of a few months ago, when we agreed that we had very different ideas for a happy future, and the only solution would be to part ways. If it weren't for school, the parting of ways would have already happened. Not to get into the gory details of the evening, but we ultimately had a good discussion about our futures again. I feel relieved again because I was very clear about my intentions, and that makes me feel more light. It's also good for me to do this as a practice because I have a tendency to go with the flow and try to avoid confrontation.

I went to the gym tonight after a stressful day at work. I did the eliptical, tummy crunches, arm pump things, and got nice and sweaty. Enjoying my time at home now relaxing in my Dr. Suess boxers...

Feeling pretty gravy

I woke up this morning, rolled out of bed, and hopped on the computer. I was completely thrilled out of my mind to hear back from a prospective roommate. I got a little feel for her personality, and she told me a little about the roomies. It sounded like a very sweet place indeed. The room is small, but I can deal with that. If this ends up working out, it will give me more motivation to dump all the junk and just bring everything up in the Honda. I gave said prospective roomie my blog, and if she is reading this, I just want to say...I reread my email to you, and sorry for all the typos and omitted words. I also realize you asked what hours I keep, and I read it as what hours do you sleep. Ooops! Sometimes, my brain doesn't want to cooperate with me. Email errors and all, it was a fantastic way to kick off my morning, and gave me that little spurt of adrenaline that I will find a rocking place to live outside of San Fran.

A girl came into my work today. She was a young, innocent looking girl. What could she possibly want? She was from a church and was selling stained glass suncatchers. I thought, "mmm...xmas presents!" So, I got the bf's mom a tiger one, and the girl was so thrilled that I bought something from her. She told me not to work too hard as she looked at the pile of canceled checks and slips piled on my desk. Way to go accounting!

K and I rocked the grammar presentation tonight, and I feel pretty darn good about it. We were dash and hyphen experts and even seemed to teach our Prof. a few new tricks. The class itself was pretty awesome tonight.

There is a half blind guy in class. He is loud and a little obnoxious, but he has grown on me. His boyfriend is the head pastry chef for a well-known bakery near me. His boyfriend takes him to class every week and hangs out until he's situated. We always have a good yap about bakery related stuff, and I love hearing about the delicious cakes he creates.

Tonight was no disappointment. He brought the class two cakes. One was a pistaccio meal tort, layered with mascarpone, whipped cream, and a pistaccio mousse. It was amazing. Another cake tantalized me with it's dark chocolate layer, topped with rich ganache. I was smitten. Then, to make the class even more surreal, a girl busted out her violin and played Pachallbel's Canon in D Major. I got teary eyed as she played it so gracefully. The music always makes me think of that scene in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, when it shows the montage of the the amazing day, and the sadness that it must come to an end. Hell, maybe I'm the only one who gets a little sad watching Ferris Bueller. The only unfortunate part of the class was when my teacher assigned us homework due in two weeks. Hello, the semester has freaking ended dude!! Oh well, what can ya do?

No gym tonight. I'm giving the body a two day break after an intense two days. Tomorrow, I'll be back at it again.

So happy with this blog. I really think writing stuff down, and getting it all out of my head, is really helping me focus more on the positive and enjoying myself a little more. The current living situation stress still exists, and I'm a weird cross-roads. But, I do have options. Option 3 presented itself to me. I have another friend who would let me park there for the next several months, but there are three adults there AND a baby. Plus they live in farm country, and it's a bit out of the way of everything. But, I do feel good in knowing that I am lucky enough to have options.

More adventures

So picking up from last night...wow, what a night. My friend picked me up and we headed off to The Filmore. I had never been there before, so I was looking forward to checking out a famous SF haunt. We were going to Grace Potter and The Nocturnals. Ever heard of them? Me neither.

Her brother is their band manager. He got us free passes to get in, and we also got backstage passes. Wowie, what an intro to The Filmore! We headed in and it was gorgeous. Posters of bands past and present were plastered all over the wall. Huge chandeliers hung gracefully from the ceiling, sparkling with purple and blue lights. We met her brother and he bought us some beer. We sat around and bsed for awhile and had a nice time. He invited us to his seating area. This was "special" seating. We were in a balcony directly facing the stage. Just a few of us were there, and we had to wear special badges. Total rockstar treatment. The band was great. Not my normal kind of music, but I could appreciate them. They were glammed out, and green smogged out lasers shot across the entirety of the venue.

Her brother was flipping hysterical. He was either a)totally drunk, b)so sleep deprived that he could hardly walk, or c)totally f-ed up on shrooms. Whatever he was on, he was hysterical, and we had a great time chatting with him. I even ran into an old coworker who was a big, buff security guy.

This morning was a little bit rough. I went into work, just fine and dandy. My boss walks in, and I go into a sudden, spastic sneezing fit. My head starts feeling weird, and my eye starts puffing up. She told me she had a new perfume on. I couldn't stop sneezing and my freak eye was well, freaking me out. I told her I was going to the copy shop to pick up documents to get out for a bit. I went to the accountant's place to return the original documents, and my boss' daughter (who works there) helped me with the boxes. I showed her my freak eye. She laughed hysterically at me, as I glared with my one puffed eye.

Later on in the day, after sneeziness abated (puff eye still in full force), I knocked over a bunch of stuff on my desk. The pretty glass bowl that holds our bathroom key plummeted to the ground and broke. Shoot! I picked up the pieces and rid myself of any evidence. Never mind the dangerous angels on a normally round bowl.

I busied myself at work all day, and later on I had plans to meet up with my boss for birthday dinner. There is a group of us - 4 - that are all connected. My boyfriend's mom used to work with my boss and another attorney. I worked with the other attorney and my boss. Everyone has worked with each other at some point, and we try to meet up now and then for a good time.

We went to E&O which is just so yummy I can't even describe. I started out with a Cherry Blossom cocktail, which had cherry vodka, and um...some other great stuff that I can't remember. Then came out the edamame, the corn fritters, the braised pork sliders with tarot fries. We flirted with the waiter a bit, and got a free banana wrapped in a spring roll with coconut ice cream for dessert. We had a fantastic time, and I spent most of the night cracking up. Before I realized it, we had been there for four hours! Wooee!

So I spoke with aforementioned (in a previous blog) friend about what the rent would like look if I did bunk at her place. 300 bucks a month cheaper...hard to beat that. So, I don't want to ruin anyone's holiday or birthday, so I may wait until the New Year so I have time to stew, but this option is looking mighty fine right about now.

Tomorrow is my last night of class for this semester. I have a grammar presentation and a memorandum due. It should be a busy day...wish me luck!

Kittens, burritos, and a good sweat

My good friend called me this morning. She wanted to go kitty shopping. I happily obliged as I have a warm, fuzzy spot for kittens in my heart. We went to the Humane Society, and wow, these animals are treated very well! I was glad to see all the toys, space, and clean living spaces these animals get to enjoy. It made me burn inside to have a kitty to call my own. I think kitty shopping will be a top priority after the move. Unfortunately, my friend did not find the kitty of her dreams, but we will continue our quest for the Mr./Ms. Right Kitty.

We then hit one of my favorite breakfast joints around town. The place is always buzzing with people. The portions are generous and the food is comforting and delicious. I was quite pleased with my breakfast burrito, smothered in sour cream goodness, hash browns, bacon, and eggs. Gym, who?

After the glorious breakfast, I got a text from my newfound gym buddy. Gym time was on. Goodbye sweet sour cream and hashbrowns, hello six pack...maybe. I had myself a good sweat at the gym and wore my cute cupcake tank top and shiny purple pants. Who am I kidding? I was actually in my pajamas, but it was a huge step up from the prior's day depressing outfit of huge tee shirt and soccer shorts.

Tonight another friend is picking me up to go to a show in the city. She has free passes, and I reaped the benefits. Score for me!

I went to Whole Foods in between adventures to pick up some food (and a carrot, orange, ginger juice, thank you very much). I saw the bf and we went outside for a smoke. He told me he was having birthday dinner this Thursday. I asked whose birthday it was. He repeated again, "I'm having birthday dinner this Thursday." My brain wasn't computing. He told me one of his coworkers was taking him out for dinner. Fine, who? Turns out it is this girl who has a huge crush on him. This is also the girl that he said he would date if we broke up. Strangely, I felt no twinge of jealousy. In fact, I felt a little happy for him. Like seeing a best friend finally going on a date with a nice girl.

"Woah", I thought. This was my bf, not a buddy. It hit me then, that I really am just not into the relationship, at all. I would love nothing more than to see him happy with a girl who can make him happy. Someone who can give him the things that I just don't want to give to him anymore. This is not a sad revelation, just a real honest perspective. It also made me really want to talk to him. To tell him it's ok if he goes on a date or has feelings for someone else. I realize how weird that sounds to want to tell your significant other that, but that's what's happening in this old noggin of mine.

I have heard women say that they just aren't in a good space for a relationship. You never hear men say that crap, but that's a different blog. I always thought it was a bunch of hooey really. I mean how can someone NOT be in a good mental space fore a relationship. Well, I get it now. I really do get it. As, I think of pushing full throttle through school, and my measly goals of losing weight, quitting smoking, and moving, I wonder how much there is left of me to "give" to another person. Not much really!

I also have not been truly single in nearly 10 years. I spent my entire 20's in serial monogamous relationships, without giving myself any downtime. I kinda want to be single for awhile, and enjoy adventures without having to worry about someone else. I have forgotten how to be alone, and I'm sure not many people CHOOSE to be alone, but for me, it's mysterious and inviting. Maybe even...go on casual dates? Lord, I don't know even know how to date. All of my relationships have sort of just...fallen into my lap.

But I digress, I get the mental space thing about relationships now. I really do! I want to go kayaking, and watch stupid girl movies.

Oh, looks like my concert date is here. Gotta jet!

Gym membership complete

Last night I promised myself I'd join the gym. I set the alarm early and had sweet dreams of fat burning off of my body. Actually I dreamed of taking a bus to Canada in the snow, but whatever.

I went in and told them I wanted to sign up and sign up fast so I could take the 10:00 a.m class. The nice lady told me the class fills up super fast, and people actually line up to sign in. Woah. She then took me over to the membership lady, and my god I can't remember her name, but she was fricking AWESOME. She had a bright smile and was so adorable that I could just gobble her up.

We sat down and had a chat about membership, and she asked about my goals. I told her basically I wanted to lose weight. She inquired further. Did I want to get back to a body weight I used to have? Well no, not really. I told her that I was planning on moving this summer, and I wanted to shed some weight and feel better about myself by the time I move.

Her face lit up as we discussed my adventure, because lo and behold, she had just done a move from CO to CA herself! Wow! We had a great chat about how empowering it is to just pack up and go. She told me she outgrew Denver, and the bay area made her feel at home! We chatted back and forth about our adventures, and it's so so inspiring to hear stories of others who have gone through, or are going through, a very similar situation.

We hugged at the end of our meeting, and I was set to go...as a MEMEBER! With my huge, unfashionable white tee shirt and baggy shorts, I hopped on the treadmill to warm up. I did about 20 minutes at a relaxed, steady speed and then moved on to the tummy crunching area. I crunched until my tummy burned, and then it was class time!

I walked over to the room and the lady was no joke. There was a huge line at the door! The instructor even came up to me to make sure I was on the list. This was even more elite than a club on a Saturday night, and I got in! Score. The women in line (one male there) were all wearing tight black work out pants and cute skinny lady tops. I felt a little out of my comfort zone with my cheap sneakers and weak outfit. I was definitely not going to be scoped out at the gym!

The class was at the very least, a total ass kicker. Holy moly. It was an SET class - strength endurance training. We lifted and kicked and jumped and stepped, and pretty much proceeded to get wooped in just an hour's time. By the end, I thought I was going to pass out and desperately needed some water. As I fished through my purse for some change, I felt very pleased that I finished the class. Considering I haven't worked out in a gym, I mean really worked out...ever? At least none that I can remember.

My legs are a little sore and I definitely am feeling, but I plan on going back tomorrow. There are no Sunday classes, so it's just me and the gym, although a friend is a member of that gym so maybe we can hook up and motivate each other.

It's cold and rainy here, so not feeling up to doing too much. My friend needs help setting up her new laptop, and I'll help her do that and teach her how to steal wireless internet.

Tiger Woods, who cares?

The t.v. is inundated with Tiger Woods scandals. I mean really people, is it that interesting? Big phooey to Tiger Woods press. That's all I'm saying about because I'm not giving into the drama.

Tonight is the first night of Chanukah. I lit the kitty menorah and the fire is a blazin'. I'm feeling a bit under the weather tonight. I think the turkey burger and broccoli soup this afternoon did me in. Or the massive amounts of chocolate, cookies, and candy canes consumed at work today could be the more likely culprit. Is my body finally telling me I'm too old to be doing that? Well guess what body, I'm doing what I want, and I will suffer the consequences later!

I looked at gym memberships again tonight. I'm determined to get up early, join, and make it in time for the cardio class. God help me. I'm not a gym kind of lady. It's so common for people to join gyms, but I fight it tooth and nail. There is something unnatural about being in a closed room, running in place on a machine to nowhere. I prefer to be outside having physical adventures. Only problem is, I am not motivated to do that consistently or strenuously. Looks like I need the help of a gym to do this...and the help of self-control over cookies.

In typical fashion, I was trolling boards, forums, and misc. pages of the place I want to move. I found a great kayaking group in the local area. Meetup.com is a pretty sweet site. In addition to the kayaking group, who also does other outdoor adventures, is a dining out group, a board game group, and other social stuff. I think when you move to a place where you know few, it's best to toss yourself in there and see what sticks.

I was thinking about my move and California. I'm very grateful that I now have the opportunity to not rush the move, do proper research, and do some true soul seeking.

The soul seeking involves WHY I am doing this move. I mean come on. I live right outside of San Francisco. It's beautiful. The food is fresh and yummy. The scenery is unbelievable, and the culture of the city is hard to beat. So why in my right mind would I leave this paradise? I've thought long and hard about this. I've tossed around the idea that maybe I'm trying to run away from myself. I've tossed around the idea that it's the cost of living. Basically, it boils down to a few key things.

I really miss east coast people. I miss the boldness, the bluntness, the no frills and in your face kind of attitude. And I miss it because, well, I feel I have that attitude.

I miss the lifestyle. I am surrounded by greatness, but really, I'd rather be sitting around with a beer, doing a whole lot of nothing with down to earth people and just enjoy their company.

I would be much closer to family and old friends. Family is a two hour flight away or a car ride an hour and a half north. Friends are spread out, mostly closer to the eastern side of the country.

I need a change of pace. The city life is not for me. It's very fast, with a huge focus on career. I talked to a friend in NYC who says the same. People go to work early and stay late, myself included. I'm pretty simple. I go to work to pay the bills, and that's about where work ends for me.

I'm a water baby. I want to live near water THAT I CAN SWIM IN. The bay is cold and dirty - no swimming in that body of water. You have to travel pretty far to get into some water, and every summer I find myself pining for a pool, ocean or lake to jump into.

I suppose that's what it boils down to. There are other things like my dream of living in a snowy place and having a snow day that cancels work. There are things like more moderate weather (seasons!) and no freakouts in elevators over irrational earthquake fears. Maybe not so irrational?

The move is a constant on my mind. It's what I think of first thing in the morning, and the last thing when I go to sleep. It gnaws on my brain in bursts throughout the day. I'm afraid that if I stop thinking about it, I will lose the ummph behind it and get complacent. I have about 6 months to go, which isn't that long in the grand scheme of things, but it feels so incredibly far away all the same. With the holidays looming, I find myself romanticizing about going to NYC and enjoying the beautiful decorations and snow that are so reminiscent of a true winter.

There's always next winter...

Concerning legal meetings and tuna rolls

I joined a legal assistant association in Marin County. I didn't join to be involved with an elitist group, but rather, something to add to my resume. Sort of lame? Maybe. The group is pretty funny actually. We meet once a month at a fancy pants Italian restaurant. I've gone to two meetings so far, and they are kind of ZZZzzzz...

Tonight I got initiated. I took an oath of confidentiality and ethics. I got a pin. It was very sweet. As an added bonus, I received a membership packet.

The ladies are sweet, but definite fuddy-duddies. There is at the least, an entire generation gap between me and everyone else. These ladies also love their legal assistant group. One lady is a crafter and makes jewelery and clothing with the group logo on it. It seems to be run by the same three women, alternating positions on the board.

I left early tonight to go into the city and celebrate the 40th birthday of a good friend. What can I say about Yoshi's? It's freaking fantastic!

To start off the festivities, I treated myself to a "Miles Away." Some kind of alcohol mixed with ginger ale, fresh lemon juice, and orange peel. It was like drinking candy. Then the tempura came out, then the shrimp, then...the SUSHI.

I'm not a big fan of sushi. I tend to stick with only the veggie ones, and I do not get experimental with sushi, EVER. Maybe it was the drink, or maybe it was the atmosphere with the jazz band in the background, but I fucking went for it. Yellowfin tuna...down the hatch. Crab sushi, no problem. I gobbled it up like there was no tomorrow, but there will be a tomorrow, and I will be in a world of hurt.

Tonight, I went out lighthearted, which with all the stuff on my mind lately, has been hard to do. So tonight, there is no quitting smoking, or moving, or money worries...just legal meetings and tuna rolls.

Keeping up with the blog...

I'm trying to write in this blog daily. It's the first and only real blog I've had, and I want to make it, you know..."special." I'm also digging the practice of daily musings. It's sort of like honing a discipline.

Some happenings in my life at the moment include:

School: I decided to go full throttle this semester and take full-time classes. Ethics, Trial Prep, Criminal Law, and Internship. The internship really doesn't count because I intern where I work, so it's a little bit of cheating, but I'll take it where I can get it. So, really it's three classes. It may be difficult with working full-time, but here's hoping the boss doesn't give me a hard time about scheduling.

Work: Work is super stable. I feel blessed to have an interesting job with a great boss. Pay isn't so hot, and I don't have medical benefits, but it's rewarding work and feels like a 2nd home.

Home: Ahhh, homelife. I live with the bf again. If anyone has read my blog, they will know that this is a temporary situation. I have a couple of options for living arrangements that I've been tossing around.

Option 1 - Stick it out with the bf and apartment until I'm ready to move.

Pros: Convenient, Stable, Basically stress free regarding my material things, Close to work and school, and well, it's just easy to stay put

Cons: Living with the bf gets rough. I am forced to listen to his daily comments about me leaving, about me finding a new boyfriend, about how I'm not affectionate. It will be all that much harder when it's time to leave because I have to worry about packing my stuff in front of a person who doesn't want me to leave, Feeling like my plans will never come to be

Option 2 - Move in with my friend

Pros: Close to work, Freedom, Cheap rent to allow for saving,Even cheaper rent if I help with her kids, Easier transition for moving, Can get rid of the junk, Can pack in peace, Live in a big home, She may be moving to the east coast also and might be able to hitch a ride with her

Cons: She's in the middle of a nasty divorce and is not in a good mental space, She has two kids, Pressure to hang with her all the time, Might get driven nuts with pending divorce and children, Stress of moving stuff to a new place while in school



If anyone reads this thing, I'm craving, no, I'm desperate to hear your thoughts on the living situation. I know I haven't given much info, but just based on what's above, what's the logical choice?

About qutting smoking

This blog thing is great! I once heard that "it's only a daydream if you think about it, but a goal if you write it down," or something to that effect.

So last night, I wrote down that I wanted to quit smoking. There it was, in black and white (and green and pink dots) staring at me in the face. So, I didn't buy a pack last night, and I was ok with that.

This morning I woke up feeling great. I got my apple and plopped in front of the computer as part of my morning ritual. I surfed Facebook, emails, and craigslist. Got dressed and hopped in the car. Normally, I get in the car and light a smoke right away. This time, I just turned up my music really loud and sung my little lungs out.

I ran to the court to file some papers, and then ran to the stationary store to get a glittery, gold pen for X-mas cards. This is where the nicotine withdrawal hit me. As I left the store, my head started feeling weird. Like, it was sort of floating on my neck, but not really attached. I felt my cheeks burn, and I felt sort of panicked. Although there was nothing to be panicked or anxious about, I felt my nerves getting scattered. I rationalized with myself that this is a normal part of the process. That didn't work. I started walking to the grocery store in the shopping plaza, with my pack of smokes on my mind. I then remembered that I had the telephone number to the smoking cessation program offered by my healthcare provider. I pulled that number out in mid-walk and called. While on the phone with them, I wandered around the store, but left empty handed. I did not buy smokes. I was very short and kind of rude with the rep and apologized. Driving back to work, I had a moment of weakness and ran to the gas station to get my smokes. In the car, flick, light, and inhale.......ahhhhhh!

I learned a few things from today's experience that I wanted to share.

1. Nicotine is a dirty, yucky drug. Not only is it physically addicting, but it messes with your head. I felt angry, anxious, lonely. I also started wondering how I would function at bars and hangouts without a smoke in my hand. Could I possibly go outside with someone while they smoke and just....STAND THERE? And, for a sick moment, I thought I couldn't be myself with a cigarette in hand. Yes, nicotine, you are so very evil.

2. I need help. Traditionally, I have an "I can do it" attitude. This attitude has helped me through many situations such as, moving to California, changing careers, going back to school. But this one, oh this kicking the nicotine habit, I just can't do it alone. I need a patch or the drugs. Luckily my healthcare provider will give me anti-smoking drugs/stuff at the co-pay price because they CARE! How about that!

3. Smoking numbs you. Yes, it does. This works on many levels. You feel sad...have a smoke. You are angry...have a smoke. School stressing you out? Have a smoke! It somehow seems to make any intense situation feel more manageable. One of my friends recently quit smoking. She said she went through a variety of emotions while she was quitting, and it was really hard for her. She had to deal with her emotions instead of just grabbing a smoke and snuffing them out.

I really want to do this. Why does smoking feel so good, yet so bad at the same time?

Goals

So, my intentions were good. I was *going* to join the gym today with my friend. I was jazzed at work all day about finally signing up for the gym because let's face it, it sort of is a sucky idea...so I had to pump myself up a little. I got a call from her that she was hoping her insurance would pay for it, and she needed paperwork, bla bla. Short story is...I'm not joining the gym tonight.

I have set three goals for myself before I move. These three goals are near and dear to my heart and not too overwhelmingly unmanageable in my opinion. 1. Finish school. 2. Quit Smoking. 3. Drop some pounds.

Not too bad of a list I think. Number 1 is just going to take time and patience. Numbers 2 and 3 are going to take a bit more. And it's all intertwined. Like, the gym will cost me money, which worries me with a move looming over my head. But, I would save so much money if I quit smoking that it should't be a problem. I think I have to do them simultaneously...the quitting smoking and joining a gym part.

Then, I rationalize with myself. It's the holidays...I have stress...I can't quit smoking now. Why is it so blasted hard to quit smoking? So today, I've only had about 5, and I'm not buying another pack tonight. I'll see how I feel tomorrow...or maybe in the next hour.

In search of...

So, I spend a lot of time on Craigslist these days. As I'm trying REALLY hard to not blow money right now, I figure I can't do too much damage in front of the computer, right?

My daily checkings of craigslist include the wanted roommates section and the job postings. It's really hard to look for roomies 3k miles away. Nearly impossible actually. The rents where I want to live are manageable. Definite plus. But, who will I be sharing space with? There are some weird people out there. People think I'm weird b/c I have sparkly glasses and a couple of tats, but I am about as down to earth and normal as it gets, in my humble opinion.

Some of the better ads include pictures of guys with pumped up muscles, or bible thumping ladies who want a good christian.

I want my roommate(s) to be a friend. Someone who will show me the area and show me how to scrape ice from my windshield. Someone I can have a hot cup of tea with and who will watch a cheesy movie. I'm looking for a friend in my roommate. I would like to bring an overnight guest over if I please, and I want to feel free to go in the kitchen or laze on the couch when I please.

Is that a lot to ask for, or am I hoping for too much? I think if I were to be really honest with myself - I mean digging deep here...I'm flipping scared out of my mind to do this move. I mean freaked to all hell. I found a great quote today while cruising online...

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power."

This is about where I am right now. My familiar place does not feel meaningful. I've stopped investing in "stuff" so I can keep a lighter load. Stuff like books, movies, clothes, gidgets and gadgets. It just doesn't feel right here anymore. I feel a little zombified as I go through my daily routine...I think this is my brain preparing me for the next step - my big move. It doesn't help that I'm living with the bf, knowing full well that I'm going to leave. It's kind of a weird situation, but it's just what I have to do for now.

But back to roommate searching. If there are any souls out there reading this blog,
I'd love to hear your thoughts and/or experiences with roommate hunting.

Not to toot my own horn too much here, but I will. I think I'm a pretty good manifester. It's like a movie that plays in my head. For instance, when I was moving out from the bf the first time, I had this mental picture of who I wanted to live with and what kind of situation I wanted to land myself in. When I started searching, I found one ad and met with them. They were exactly who I hoped for. I moved in with them shortly, and they turned out to be amazing roommies. The best.

One of the only issues I had in that situation was the lack of privacy. Not that they were intrusive at all, but my room was right by the living room where EVERYONE and everyone's friends hung out. So, if I wanted to hang in my room, I either had to shut the door (which kinda made me feel weird), or I had to keep it open, and thus, no privacy. It never quite felt like home to me. Maybe it was because I was planning on moving even back then (which fell through), or maybe it was because for the first time, I was living in someone else's space and not my own. Whatever it may be, I couldn't quite get 100% comfortable. Even though living with the bf has its own concerns, it's my place and I can walk around in my birthday suit if I please. There is a certain comfort in that.

To sum up this long winded post, I'm hoping to find comfort and friendship in my new home. Time to manifest that...maybe after reading Harry Potter though. Over and out.

Ferret X-mas party...er...nightmare...

Ferrets are illegal in California. So, having a ferret here is a huge deal. So much of a huge deal that there are many groups around the state who are a bit, let's say, fanatical about ferrets.

Every year, the Norcal group hosts a ferret Christmas party. That's right, I said it. How would an innocent soul like myself wind up at said party? Well, the bf's mom is part of the group, and I feel obligated to take her.

It seems each year at these parties, I have a theme. Last year, I was the girl who a ferret took a shit on. People were pleased this year with the dark pants I wore instead of the white skirt of last year that was smeared with a ferret's breakfast. Last year, I had an insane allergy attack and was later pulled over by a cop because I was driving too slow. I had a ferret in the car with me, and I was just waiting for him to handcuff me for having animal contraband.

This year was a whole new kind of monster. I woke up extremely early to go to class. I spent hours listening to my teacher drone on and on, repeating the same stories of the previous class. I did have a great breakfast with a friend though that morning. I raced back from the city, and was immediately thrusted into yam bake mode. Luckily, the yams were baked from the night before, so baking wasn't a problem.

The bf's mom and I ran to the store to get stuffing and other goodies for the potluck. Came back. Continued with yam bake mayhem and started on 7 boxes of cornbread stuffing mix. Baked and cooked and wrapped ferret gifts until it was time to boogie.

I would just like to say that I despise driving in the East Bay. The roads are weird to me, and I always feel like I'm going to run into one of the big cement walls on the side of the freeway. Alas, East Bay was the destination, and there was no going back.

Got to the ferret party. Received compliments on the black pants (verse the aforementioned tarnished, white skirt). More jokes about ferrets shitting on me. Played with ferrets. Ate good food. Drank hot chocolate spiked with peppermint schnaaps. Gift exchange (won a bottle of champagne, woot!).

Then, the fun started. So, there was this elderly deaf lady there. She seemed harmless. So the bf's mom started bidding on this ferret towel in the silent auction. Apparently elderly, deaf lady wanted the towel too. I'll call her EDL for short. Thus, the bidding war began. The bf's mom finally asked me to put my name down instead. Lacking anything more interesting to do, I happily obliged. A few minutes later I watched as EDL went to the table to outbid me. I whispered to the bf's mom that we were getting outed. She told me to bid higher. When EDL left, I went to the table to bid. But, the bidding sheet was gone. I peeked under the towel Aha! EDL hid it from me, but I found it! Game fucking on, bitch! So, I outbid her and stuck it right back under the towel. This went on for about an hour, me and EDL playing this sick little game of hide the bid sheet. On one occasion, she moved the towel and sheet to a different part of the table. Now, she was playing real hardball with me.

Our game went on a little more, and I told people about it. They laughed and would let me know when EDL was gone so I could bid higher. At one point, some newcomers to the table saw me hide the sheet and were aghast. I shrugged and said "she started it." I was told I was going to hell. EDL was signing frantically. She wanted to know who this mysterious person was trying to outbid her. I would like to chime in for a moment to say, I AM NOT A BAD PERSON. Deaf and elderly as she may be, but she was a rude bitch who also pocketed a plate of brownies from the host.

I asked the bf's mom to put her name down to throw EDL off. EDL was pissed at this point. She REALLY wanted that damn towel. I let her win finally...at $40 for the towel. It went to a good cause, so that's all good. I spent the rest of the night trying to avoid her, but I did hear her interpreter say "i was hoping they would close the damn auction, that other girl was driving me nuts."

She never did figure out who I was, and thank goodness, because she may have taken my ass down over that towel.

It's 8:30 a.m. on Saturday

And I am awake...for school. This is inhumane.

Really nervous

So, I want to move. Not just any ole kind of move, but a cross country move. And I want to do it alone. I've been obsessively researching forums about the state where I want to live (which shall remain nameless as not to jinx it!) and so many people move. It's not a weird thing. However, what IS weird, is that a single girl wants to move ALONE. I'm not single at the moment, but that's a story for another time.

Is it so bizarre to want to move to a new place all by your lonesome? Pretty much every post I read hums the same tune as "my husband and I...." or "my family and I..." What about the solo adventurers? Is it a dying breed? Was it ever really thriving, or even a breed? Am I completely ridiculous for wanting to do it?

Also, everyone has such strong "reasons" for making a move. My reasons? Well, they are not about good schools or real estate. My deep reasons are snow, proximity to awesome cities, beaches, close(er) to family, and for a change of pace, and my favorite reason...ADVENTURE.

I'm no daredevil. You couldn't pay me to skydive, and I always use a crosswalk and wait for my turn. But to move across country? Now that is what chills and thrills me.