#$%%@%#$!@#@

So, continuing with my not so great mood...

I went to the atm machine to deposit my paycheck. The ATM machine sucked up my check, blared a message on the screen about how my transaction was not processed...and oh...sorry, WE CAN'T GIVE YOU BACK YOUR TRANSACTION. Seriously? The machine at my check for a second time. I was so upset and called BoA immediately to put in a claim. I almost burst into tears as the woman asked me ridiculous question after ridiculous question. Finally, she told me a credit would post to my account tomorrow night while they "investigate" my claim.

Then, I went to the store to get paper for my printer so I could print out my homework. The store had no paper, so I had to walk half a mile down the road to another store to get the paper. I didn't really have to walk, but my blood was racing because of the check eating machine.

I went to the gym and blew off some steam, which felt pretty great. But then I came home to check the mail and saw some more tax forms. I sat down with my new forms, and input the info into turbotax. I had already started a return, and I was set to have myself a sweet little return. As I put in the information with my new 1099's, I saw my pretty green cha-ching turn to red. Looks like I owe the feds and state some money this year. Not just a little, but a heavy chunk of change. I got upset again and vowed to eat macaroni and cheese and ramen soup for the rest of the week.

I do have the money to pay it off, but I also have a big fat registration payment for my car due soon, and I really, REALLY don't want to do dig into my moving fund. I already had to take a little handful out to pay for a class and some textbooks. I am just feeling super frustrated, annoyed, angsty, irritated, helpless, and a variety of other not so fun feelings.

This too shall pass

You know what? I really, REALLY hate it when someone says to me "this too shall pass." I especially, double hate it when it's used out of context.

Friend: "How's school going?"
Me: "Oh, it's crazy, homework...."
Friend: "This too shall pass."

HUH? I didn't say anything about school being bad, just made a comment matter of factly. Not to sound super bitchy here, but doesn't everything in one's life eventually come to pass? Just cut out the bs, aight?! Nicotine withdrawal symptom, probably.

Last night, as I was telling the bf how great my friend's new neighborhood is, he looked at me and made a comment about me moving in with her. I looked at him, and asked him where the hell that came from. I asked him if he wanted the next few months to be pleasant or shitty. He told me pleasant. But, the guy can't help but make digs about me moving out on him. At least it's not daily anymore, but holy cow, it's annoying as hell to listen to that. As departure day looms nearer, I think I may consider the option of staying with my friend until it's time to officially skidaddle. I realize I'm not in the healthiest of relationship situations, but this is the price I pay for being across the country from family. There is no running home to ma and daddy when shit hits the fan. I also would like to mention, this is one of the most expensive places in the country, so it's not like I can go get my own cute apartment either. So, I'm sort of stuck in limbo land for a few more months.

I went to be early last night. I was so pooped from moving. Thank god I quit smoking a whole week ago, otherwise I would have never been able to handle the up and down and up and down on that narrow staircase. I have been slacking on the gym this past week, but with starting school and quitting smoking, I figure I can only take on so much at once.

The pretty weather of yesterday is no back to doom and gloom again. At least drop a few sprinkles of snow if you are going to look so gloomy!

Off to either be productive or go back to sleep. We'll see what wins.

Movin', movin', movin'

I woke up at 8 a.m. today in preparation for helping my friend move. It is not a far move, just a hop, skip, and jump over the Golden Gate, but moving in general is such a stress. I showed up at her place around 9, and we went to pick up the moving van. A Bagel, cup of orange juice and coffee later, we arrived back at her place, and proceeded to stuff my car with as much stuff as possible. Some other friends of hers came over about an hour later, and we started loading the big stuff on the truck. A couple hours later we were done with that leg. My friend wasn't feeling well, and we took a breather before heading into the city to unload.

Off to the city we went, and her new roomie and other friend came to help unload. Thank goodness, because by this point, me and the friend were kind over it. We unloaded, flopped on the couch, and took a moment to breathe. We then wandered around to find some food.

Her neighborhood is adorable. I made her go into every chocolate shop and every bakery we passed. I cooed and squealed over cookies with almond ganache, and macaroons, "liquid chocolate." But, we had already had a huge helping of food, and I could not possibly ingest another thing at the moment.

About our dinner - wow! We first attempted to eat a Chicago style pizza place. It looked quite yummy and gooey cheese was sounding quite appetizing. The wait was 30-40 minutes for a pizza though, so we walked the block and found another Mexican/Seafood place called Marina's. Well, I think that's what it's called. I usually stay away from seafood places, but I figured there would be some chicken or steak dishes for me to munch on. We sat down and were greeted with smiley face and a lunch menu special. We both ordered fajitas. I also ordered a pineapple aqua fresca, and my friend an horchata. He brought us fresh chips and some of the best salsa I've ever tasted. Additionally, he brought us cut carrots and celery drenched in lime juice and sprinkled with chili powder. Then, huge heapings of fajita fixings found its way to our table. The seasoning was amazing, and I was happily in my element as I smeared beans, guacamole, sour cream, and chicken all over my flour tortillas. The waiter/owner refilled my pineapple fresca on the house. I told him he was so cute, and we would be coming back and telling everyone in sight how great the place was.

After the yummy dinner, we wandered around (where I gawked at chocolate/sweet shops), and she found herself such a great place to live. For a moment, I wondered if I should just pack it up and move into the city instead of a different coast, but as I thought about it a second longer, the thought passed.

10 hours after the day began, I am finally home and in relaxation mode. Tonight will spent finishing the large amount of homework due next week. Seriously, why was it necessary to pile us up with homework the first week?

Still off the smokes. I called my friend last night in freak out mode. I felt the blood pulsing through my body, and I so badly wanted to suck on a cigarette. I ended up taking a really hot shower, and I felt much better after that. I still believe quitting smoking is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and yes that includes moving across the country to CA, where I knew no one and had two duffel bags.

Finish homework, or watch crappy tv? Crappy tv may win this battle for now.

Screamin'

Yesterday was by far the worst day of quitting cigarettes hell. I did something I have never done before -- I started screaming. I mean just wailing and screaming in my car, with my white knuckles clutching the steering wheel. As Against Me! screamed of being an anarchist, I screamed of the pain of withdrawal. The singer and I screamed in pain together, albeit completely different types of pain.

As I walked to campus, I called a friend who has been smoke-free for 6 months. She was not there, but her amazing partner answered and cooed and soothed me over the phone, letting me know that the pain I was feeling was normal and expected. I felt the blood rushing from my head back down and up again as she was talking. Finally, I felt calm enough to get into the elevator for class. Mind you, as soon as I hop in an elevator all thoughts turn to earthquakes and an escape plan. God, please let me be on the other coast before a big one hits here.

After class, I went to the gym. The scale said I gained weight again, that bastard. I was not happy with that at all, so I ran my little heart out on the machine. It was really late by this point, and I couldn't do the weights.

The week has gone by like a whirlwind, yet it feels like the longest week I've had in a long time. It's so strange. I love the probate teacher. I listened to his voice, and immediately fell in love with this man. He was from where I want to move, I just knew it. When he told us the expectations for class and ended with a "Capeesh?" I needed to know where my new lover/professor was from. So, like the fool that I am, I went straight up to him and asked if he was from **. He laughed and told me I hit it right on the head. I told him I wanted to move there. So, now I have the ball rolling. Maybe teacher can hook me up with contact when I move.

Had an amazing sex dream last night. It's been a long time, since I've had one of those. Just straight up..it was a great way to start off my morning. Now, I'm off for a physical with Doc and then in for a full day of work.

OH GOD, SOMEONE KILL ME NOW.

That is all. Anyone have a smoke?

Day 2

Nicotine gum is officially my favorite thing, ever ever. Besides the extra burping, I am happy to report that I am not having any crazy side effects. Well, I shouldn't be so cavalier...this morning, I woke up with a very runny nose and brought a roll of toilet paper to work with me. The drip is gone though, and happily chewing my way through the day. I had waves of trippy moments, when I felt sort of a little dizzy and light headed, and then it would go away. So far so good, so I'm not going to go on too much about should I fail.

Tonight was the first night of classes for this (and my last) semester of my paralegal program. The class is a discovery and trial preparation class, which is a pretty handy, and necessary class for paralegal studies. The teacher...eh, a little too early to say. But on Day 1, she launched into all kinds of lectures, and I do enjoy a teacher who has the courtesy to slowly bring you into his or her class, then knock you on your ass. There were two "know-it-all" girls in the class. Every class has to have at least one, but I was blessed with two. As the girls in turn showed the teacher how much more they knew than her, my friend and I rolled our eyes. The grading system is based on assignments and participation, rather than tests, which is a huge hoorah for me. So, I'll attempt not to judge too quickly and hope for the best. Tomorrow is probate, and I received my textbook in the mail today, which means reading two chapters in preparation for tomorrow's class. I have two classes with this guy, and I've heard all kinds of mixed reviews about him, so I'm interested in seeing what he's all about!

Plane ticket purchased - check
Pizza belly gone - check
Good work out at the gym - check

After a good night with some good people, good beer, and good french fries, I went home in good spirits. I enjoy nights like that, where a couple of people just hang out, get some beer, and shoot the shit.

I woke up in not so good spirits this morning though. I ate my apple and peanut butter, went to the gym, and read some LOTR during Da Vinci Code commercial breaks. Oh the movie just is painful to watch, yet I can't help myself. Tom Hanks? Audrey Tatou? What happened guys?

I came home and surfed one of my favorite moving sites for inspiration. I came across a serial poster's post about quitting smoking. I saw the post had been moved to another forum, and I went on over there to check out it. This serial poster, as far as I can gather, is a middle aged woman who overcame crack addiction and is now a heavy weight lifter. Her post was about how hard it is to quit smoking. I was intrigued and continued reading. She ranted and raved and emotionally freaked out via internet, and I felt that woman's pain. I read on as she posted update throughout the day about her moods and the continuing days thereafter. Inspired, I threw on my jeans and tee, grabbed the cell phone and headed out the door. I called my dad and told him I was on the way to the store to buy nicotine gum and some patches. I whined about how expensive it all was. He told me it was more expensive to buy a new lung. Zing!

I walked the mile to the store, driven by my desire to try out the gum and patch, while my dad was on the phone cheering me on. I could have been running the 5k. $80 bucks later, I was back on the road with a bag full of anti-nicotine armor. This was several hours ago.

Presently, my dishes are cleaned, my room is spotless, and I have everything prepared for my first day of school tomorrow. I was talking to my mom on the phone about it. She was a smoker for 30 years and quit cold turkey. Just one day, she decided to quit and she did. I have nightmares that she steals cigarettes from me, and get totally freaked out. She told me about our cousin in NY who is bipolar and does all kinds of wild stuff. My mom talked to her dad, my uncle "L" who received a call from the French Embassy. Apparently my cousin flew to Paris, but could not afford to fly back. Uncle L bought her a plane ticket back, and she is now back in the good old US of A. I told my mother immediately that I too was bipolar, and if the urge hits for me to fly around the world, then it's not my fault. She didn't buy it.

Back to quitting smoking. So, I've been going back and forth about the quitting thing for quite some time. I thought with school pressure and moving pressure that it would be too much for me to try to quit. But, as I thought about it more, and about starting a new life, I realized I did not want this smoking baggage carried around with me. I mean, I get to my new home, and all is fine and dandy, then I quit, freak out and my new roommates and new employer think I'm a mess? No thanks. I'd rather be a total mess around people who already know me, and will realize that when I flip out, it will be from nicotine withdrawal and not mental instability.

Wish me luck. I'm going to watch some movies and hope to not have an emotional freakout that seems to accompany nicotine withdrawal!

Off the wagon

Last night, I was so wiped out that I didn't cook my dinner. I've been cooking for weeks straight, and I have been really proud of myself for eating more healthy and saving precious cash. But, last night, I hopped on my video game and asked my guild for a vote. Pizza or homecooking? Pizza won the majority (might mention mostly men responded). I ordered a huge pizza with feta and black olives. I ate a lot of that huge pizza and even had a Pepsi with it. I never drink soda. Well, maybe a sip or two here and there, but it's a rarity. After eating pizza and drinking the soda, I waddled to my other computer to play more video games. I dorked it out for quite some time, and felt like barfing the entire time. Pizza+soda+videogames = bad news for me. Being off the wagon for a night never felt so...barfy?

I woke up this morning thinking about my old boss at Philly Connection. Back in college, I did some very stupid stuff, but I made sure my friends were well fed (and myself) were fed for free. I vowed that if I ever become rich, I would mail him money and never tell him why. Not likely to happen, but it was a funny thought to wake up to.

I plan on spending today nursing my pizza/pepsi belly at the gym and getting school supplies. I'm also about to buy my friend's plane ticket. Holy shit.

Down with the sickness

I left work a little bit early yesterday. As much as I was championing myself as a superhero against disease, I think whatever is going around made it's way into my body. I came home and slept for three hours. I was tormented with nightmares about zombies, starring Jennifer Aniston and Charlotte's first husband from Sex in the City. He had red hair and a raging mullet. We were trying to get into some haunted house, but zombies were everywhere. I woke up in a bit of a sweat and stared in the darkness. I haven't had a scary dream in as long as I can remember. I stayed up for a couple of hours and went right back to sleep.

Not feeling much better today. I can feel my head clogging as I type, and looking out at the pounding rain, I imagine the sickness is on its way to get me.

I am a little annoyed at the airlines. I was cruising around, checking out flights from DC to SFO, and there are zero nonstop flights from the airport my friend wants to take. The 2nd choice airport has some nonstops for $300 bucks more. The 3rd airport in DC (and the furthest from friend) has several nonstops at a good price, but he'd rather do a stop over than go to that airport. Oh, so very annoying. Plane ticket will be bought this weekend.

I have a great Brian Froud calendar, and I filled in of my school days on it. We have a five week break in March, and I glared at my calendar thinking that a five week break in March sucks. Why not make it a shorter break and an earlier semester end? School is a true test/exercise in my patience.

I have been in zombie mode again. It could be from getting sick, or could just be that I've been going through my daily motions like Bill Murray from Groundhog Day. I met Bill Murray once at a local neighborhood bar, he was kind of an ass. He did blow me a kiss when I asked for a hug, and everyone passed around his glass of scotch to drink from after he left. But the days consist of work, gym, tv, cruising sites. This is not very exciting at all. I know next week shit will hit the fan with 3 days of traveling into the city for school, so I'm trying to enjoy the next few days of total calmness.

Time to get ready for work!

Nobody nose...

I took my nosering out. I took a good hard look at myself in the mirror, and yoinked that piece of metal right out of my face. Sounds more painful than it was -- there was no pain involved.

I have had my nose pierced 3 times in a period of 10 years. The first time, I was in high school. I wanted a hoop so badly, and visualized a way more awesome me with a nosering. To my father's chagrin, I went out and got myself a nice big hoop, and I wore that sucker proudly until I got a job at Supercuts. Supercuts, being the upscale hair parlor it is, made me take out my pretty ring, and I needed a job. My memory is a little fuzzy, but I do recall the next nosering memory happening in Philly Connection (my college job). The big boss did not approve of my ring, but her son (little boss) did not really care. So, I left my nosering in. I don't remember where or when I got that hoop; it's a gap in memory that I attribute to long nights of bad beer and bongs.

I got my nosering a third time when I first moved to CA. It started off as my ole faithful hoop. It morphed into a stud when I got into management. Studs ok, hoops not, got it. I have never been a fan of the stud. It seems like a wussy way to wear the metal, and my god is it ever so trendy in this neck of my CA woods. Studs were for people who did yoga every night, for people who were on raw foods diets and anal cleansed for fun, for people who attributed everything to a lunar or sun cycle, pretty much, the stud life was not for me. I kept that baby in for years because well dammit, I like metal in my face.

But the other night, while I was giving myself the onceover (looking for aforementioned lost fat), I did not like how it looked anymore. In the last leg of my 20's, my thoughts about family, career, looks, and life has completely morphed. I stare longingly at men in mohawks, but would I date that again -- probably not. As I thought about a future me in my future place, I felt my hand reaching for the metal. My nose looked foreign, and it felt cold and naked. I touched where the cartiidge where metal has taken a home for so many years, and it felt weird. My parents told me that once day I wouldn't want the piercings and tats. I did not believe them. I told them I'll be buried in my metal. I'll never tell them they were right, but the tattoos etched into my skin are happily there, so maybe they were only half right.

Calamari without the curls

I took my friend out to dinner to celebrate her birthday. We went to one of our local favorite Italian haunts. She's a New York gal, and has had food disasters since moving to Marin, but this restaurant always seemed to be ok by her. We started off by ordering a plate of grilled veggies that we could smother in olive oil and salt. With the fresh plate of tomato, fresh mozzarella, zucchini, squash, eggplant, et al, the food was off to a good start. I decided to go with a steak stuffed with fontina and cabbage, and she ordered herself a plate of piping hot fried calamari.

When the calamari arrived, I felt an immediate aversion to it. I don't eat seafood, but I do know calamari is a roundish, curly like food, and this seafood non-delight was straight. She looked at the dish. I looked at the dish. I started digging into my steak (which was just ok), as she tried a bite of her food. She hated it upon first bite. The owner came out to explain that this was a more expensive calamari, and went into a long speech about how the other calamari was shipped from god knows where. We just want regular, cheap, fried calamari, Capeesh?

My food adventures with said friend is always an interesting experience. She says she has been starving since she moved here from NY, and she has yet to find a restaurant that truly pleases her palette. Our misadventures with food are so common, that we thought maybe we should write a guide for east coasters attempting to eat food out west. I always go out to eat with her very prepared for her food to be horribly disgusting and with the ultimate outcome of her not completing a dish. In 6 years, I have yet to see her with a clean plate at a restaurant.

Well, CA, I must say, your idea of bad weather is quite wussy. Growing up with some badass thunderstorms, hurricanes, tornadoes, and lightning, this bad weather just doesn't compare. It's rare out here to have thunder, and I'm sure it will make the local news. There was a moment where I thought we were going to get some real action. It was very still outside, and then all of a sudden the wind started whipping the trees around, and I thought it started hailing. After about 5 minutes of craziness, the air became still again, and it's been calm since.

I got my fix of The Bachelor last night. The bachelor, Jake, is so cute and awesome, and this season is filled with drama trauma with the ladies. What's a guy dating 12 at once and trying to find his wife to do? Michelle went home last night, and I must say, the girl is out of her flipping mind. I would be horrified if I watched myself acting like that on national tv. Maybe it's just some leet editing to make her look supremely crazy, but I saw the crazy in her eyes. I think it will wind up being Ella in the end. The show is much too addictive.

Work was a bit intense today. Boss is still super sick and not in the best of spirits. We got some pretty bad news today that dropped us to our ass, and we will just have to figure out what to do next. Huge, huge bummer and still trying to get it off my mind. Maybe a good late night trip to the gym will do it, but with a belly full of steak, it may be a hard thing to accomplish tonight.

Over and out.

It's raining....something

My friend sent me a small article about the upcoming weather about to hit CA. So, it looks like the depressing weather will be sticking around for another few weeks. Apparently, el nino is the cause, and I remember being in grade school hearing everything being blamed on this mystical el nino. Later in life, I learned there was a la nina as well. I only hope I can get to school next week without a hitch. I'm definitely bussing it rather than driving because those busses are made of steel.

I'm almost ready to buy my driving buddy's plane ticket. Ahhhh! I drove home today from work in good spirits thinking about the roadtrip. I'm so very much looking forward to that. I love driving around, and this is the ultimate roadtrip. I don't have much else to say except...waaafreakinghooo!

Would you like paper or plastic?

Not like the clerk really cares. I went grocery shopping tonight, and boy do I love grocery shopping. No sarcasm there. I usually wander aimlessly, fantasizing of tantalizing dinners and sweet desserts. After my I had my fill of groceries, I plumped my goodies on the conveyer belt of doom. As I was chatting with the friendly checker, I hear a voice ask "do you want one bag or two?" I looked at my seemingly endless stream of groceries, and told her I didn't think it would fit in one bag. She told me she could make me a really heavy bag. I told her I did not want a heavy bag. I even lied and told her I was walking, just so I wouldn't have to hear a potential speel on wasting bags. I noticed that she was packing everything into one bag. In annoyance, I watched her pile my raw chicken with my vegetables and dental floss. The cashier chimed in and told her he didn't think it would fit into one bag. She agreed and threw about 2 items into the other bag. In front of her, I started pulling out items in my ridiculously heavy one bag, and tossed them into my other bag. This one woman has done this to me before, and I recall being quite annoyed with her last time.

First of all, if you see a ton of groceries coming down the line, WHY even ask if I want one bag or two? Seriously. Second, when you tell someone you are walking, it is COMMON SENSE to even out the weight distribution of bags. Third, why bother asking if you aren't going to do what I want anyway? I checked her name tag to see if she was a supervisor of sorts, and possibly keen on the idea of saving her team money by being a bag nazi. Nope, a regular team member was she. So...why? I have a general irritation with people who lack common sense and courtesy. I know it's grinding work, and hell, I've done it myself, but a little common sense goes a long way. /End rant.

With the weather being cold and wet, I didn't feel like doing much but getting under the electric blanket. I forced myself to go the gym, and it looks like another pound is missing from my body. I have yet to figure out from where, but somewhere, a hard earned pound of fat is missing.

I had a good chat with my friend about our cross country drive. We have a somewhat firm date set, and we are formulating tangible plans. We are taking I-80 straight through. I love and adore maps, so I lovingly oogled over the drive and found a great website giving a little insight into the drive. I am so excited to be going through all kinds of states that I would never otherwise visit. We will be traversing the continental divide (twice apparently in Wyoming, weird). We will be going through the Sierra Nevada and through the Rockies, and into the great plains. This is a geography geek's dream, which is me. We just need to figure out some sites to see and have a couple of food lover's restaurants lined up, and we will be good.

The talk got me motivated again. So, I hopped into the bedroom and into the closet. I sorted through all of our books and separated mine out. I piled a huge stack of books that would not be traveling with me. I felt super good about my choice of books, and then did a drop off at the Salvation Army.

Since I have a good 4.5 months before I actually move, I am aware that I am doing things way early. But, I start full-time classes next semester, and with full-time work happening too, I just don't see how I will have time to get it all together. When I moved out the first time, I did not plan it it all, and ended up tossing all kinds of stuff into the trunk of my car and missed really important things. I don't want to do that again because this time, I can't just come over to collect those items.

I did not have to go into work today as planned. Wohoo, thank you bad weather. But tomorrow is an early day of a major project. Not so woohoo!

A Night of Ms. Communication

Last night was the MLK party. I received a text from the host that "my ass better be there." But, I knew my buns were not traversing the bay to her party. I did not reply back. I got a call from my friend who is (was?) moving back east. His story is a bit of a bummer, and "Q" was in a long distance relationship that failed him. I told him, I have felt that same devastation, and it took me a bit of time (and lots of anger) to realize that I could move on my own. I empathize with his pain, as I know what it's like to move 100 mph and then slam on the brakes. More like having a rug pulled out from under you that knocks ya right on your tush. I then got a text from another friend asking what I was up to that night. But, I had my hopes set high on some beers with a couple of good people. So, ignored the two texts, and grudgingly got myself to the gym to get my blood pumping and feeling good.

While in the gym, I got a voicemail from the old roomies, asking if I was going to the party. I did not respond to that voicemail either. I got to my friend's place, and we contemplated the party once more. But, it was quite a drive, and we both felt a little off by the theme. Again, I will say, no issues with MLK, but issues with rich, white kids honoring him in that light with readings, and who knows what else.

So we get a text from our friend who is asked to reschedule. I sent him a ... reply which we all know what that means. We didn't hear back, so we looked up movies and decided to grab a bite to eat. While at dinner, my phone was getting blown up with texts that I did not see until the end of dinner. I ran outside and called him back, and asked for him to call me instead of texting me. We drove to the movies, and I assumed he headed home for the evening. No beers for us last night. While at the movies, my friend's phone was getting blown up with messages, but of course, we did not know for hours later. We did get to see Youth in Revolt. I have a soft spot for cheesy high school love movies, and this one did not fail me. I also have a huge celebrity crush on Michael Cera and fantasize about all the naughty things to do to his innocent characters.

I talked to the friend we missed on FB chat, and he was actually saw me drop off our friend (he was parked in front of her place), but did not say a word. That made me feel even shittier. I feel bad that the night didn't work out, and we just could not seem to connect at all. I also feel super bad that he kept responding and we kept missing it, but I will say, he responded at least half an hour after each attempt to reach him. I'm innocent, Your Honor.

My friend said something to me last night that really made me stop dead in my tracks. She asked if I talked to long distance guy still. I told her no. She then said he might be a little paranoid that I'm moving there anyway. I felt instantly defensive, and chewed on that thought for a moment. It did not sit well with me, and I'm not totally sure why. I haven't been thinking about that scenario at all. In my head, as I play out scenes of what it will be like to live there, he is not part of that, and I don't even plan to tell him when I'm there. But, that thought was a bit unsettling to me. But that thought again got me thinking of the "why am I moving THERE?"

When I originally planned to move there, WITH him, I had really thought it out. I would not move to Kentucky or Wyoming, or a totally far out there place. I suppose I could pick any state in NE and have the same centralized things that the place I want to move has. So, why there particularly? I think it's because it's the only NE state I feel familiar with. I visited four times over a short period, and I liked it. I could see myself living there. I'm not familiar with other states up there, and it would be even more scary to move to a place I have never visited. One of my friends lives in DC, and he loves it there. I could go there, but again, never been there, know nothing about it. When I was originally moving, I did a ton of research on the area (though I will be in a different area this time), but on things like restaurants, activities, schools, etc. I think it's bittersweet that the one thing that caused me and long distance guy to fail, will fix itself, but I don't even want to tell him I'm moving.

I've been in a bit of a funk. I'm not totally sure what's causing it, but I can feel the irritation in me and lack of motivation. I may have burned myself out a bit on my move by obsessively looking online. I've done all the research I possibly can. So now I'm playing the waiting game. I'm a bit too hyper, and a bit too energized to sit and...........wait........... Thank you school, for keeping me anchored, and not allowing me to hop in my car overnight for a cross country drive.

At an attempt at poor self-analysis, I think my funk is a combination of several factors. I think my living situation has taken more of a toll than I'd like to admit. I can't be outwardly excited about things. I have to have certain conversations after he goes to work. It's a weird situation, no doubt. The weather has been nothing but gloom and doom for nearly a month now. I saw the sun for a moment, and though I never believed in the winter blues before, I'm definitely feeling the pain. It's cold and wet, and we are going to be hit with a series of hard storms in the upcoming week. Big, big boo.

Frog legs and all

We work in a somewhat medium sized office building. One of the guys (another attorney) used to work with my boss, and he comes over to chat sometimes. Today he popped into the office with his twinkly eyes and asked if we wanted to go out to lunch. He mentioned some fancy schmancy place, and I checked out the online menu. Looked decent enough.

We piled into the boss' car and headed to lunch. The dining area was a little busy, and we were greeted with warm bread and butter to start. He ("P") asked me if I wanted a drink. I said if it was ok with my boss. She gave me the ok, but in typical fashion, I panicked. I am not a big drinker. I don't know my alcohol very well and always get tongue tied when asked what I want to drink. So, I told him to order a drink for me. He's an old school guy, so I'm sure he was pleased with ordering a drink for a young lady. But, I guess he didn't hear me right and thought I wanted him to order my lunch. As he started going down the menu, asking if I liked frog logs, or if I was into organs, my face drained a little, and I realized I was going down a very bad road. It was too late to correct him, and I did not want to seem ungrateful. So, I politely told him I'm not an organ eating kind of gal. Nor was I into frogs, or any kind of seafood. I prayed he would pick a chicken or steak dish for me. My prayers went unanswered as he asked me about the veal. I don't have a moral issue with veal per se, but I just don't eat it. I like very basic meats, and really don't venture far from chicken, beef, turkey, or ham. I thought that maybe I could do veal since it would be smothered in red sauce and melted cheese. Nothing wrong with that, right? Our plates were brought out and it looked good enough. I started to dig in and immediately did not like the consistency of the meat. But, I ate the whole thing, along with my veggies and french fries? French fries...with veal parmesan, hmmm. P ordered frog legs. I have never seen a person actually do it. I stared in curious wonder at these chicken wing doppledangers. I almost wanted to taste one, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I thanked him for ordering me a great meal, and promptly went back to the office where I felt sick for the rest of the day. I couldn't even drag my vealy self to the gym tonight, which I know I could have used.

My financial aid came through today, and woweee that feels pretty damn good. I now have way more than I anticipated for my moving fund, and just over the moon that my account is looking nice and pretty at the moment. I also estimate a good tax refund this year, so financially I am pretty happy. As for my spending, fun money, that is pretty much non-existent as I dump any petty leftovers from my paycheck into my savings. Because of this lack of fun money, I have been having a lack of fun, which is also contributing to my doom and gloom mood as of late. I hope to snap out of it when school starts, and I just won't have time to be cranky.

Tomorrow is a party that my ex-roomie's friend is throwing. She has a great house, and there is always good food around. I feel a little odd though because it's an MLK themed party. Not that I have beef with MLK, he was an amazing man and a huge part of our history, but it does seem weird to have a bunch of white kids sitting around rapping about MLK. It makes me feel like a little weird inside, and like an extraordinarily lame white person. So, my friend is coming with me, but we'll touch base and see if we would rather just go out for some beers. And, this friend is moving soon, which makes me super sad that I can't run over there after work anymore, but I am happy she is moving where she wants and doing something fun and good for herself.

I have also become quite addicted to The Bachelor. What a weird ass show. I mean if you really think about the concept of these people, coming on a national t.v. show and having their private business aired out, and then hope and pray to not get plucked out and tossed back home, it's really just kind of fucked up. It's kind of a mean thing to do. I remember when I was watching More to Love, and the bachelor was down to two women. He had a date with the first and told the American viewers that he had never felt like this before with a woman, how special she was, how he was in love, and omg gush gush gush. Then, he goes on his second date, and gives us viewers almost the same exact speel about girl #2. I was like, wtf is wrong with this man. Is the kind of crap that people want to watch? Does this give a bad message to ladies or what? But, the editors have done their job right, and as much as I hate those shows, I can't help but watch.

Taking it easy tonight and maybe going to dork it out with some video games. I do love me some video games.

I've been slacking on the posts. Four days is the longest I've gone since I started this thing. I've got the PMS blues for sure. I feel like I constantly have that? I haven't wanted to look on Craigslist, look at rooms, etc. I think I've burned myself out just a wee bit for now. My friend told me he that we should make our cross country trip a food lover's roadtrip. So I have a new OCD project to work on! I checked out Route 80 and found a map with all the cities along its path. I went on Yelp and started looking at places to eat. I got as far as Sacramento, and Sac is first on my list. This will be a long project indeed.

I went to my legal assistant meeting last night and had a great chat with the ladies. You can tell which ones were the adventure bugs. Their eyes were bright and they cooed and sighed and told me how great it was to be able to pack up and move where you want to be.

It sounds weird, but I almost see the packing up and moving bit as a weakness. I am a pretty restless person by nature. I get bored easily, and if something stops challenging me, I walk away from it. I feel that life is too short to not have amazing experiences, and I tend to toss myself into really challenging positions just to see if I can survive. So far, so good. But, when I see or hear about people who grew up the same place their whole life. They have the same childhood friends and know their town like their own hands, I do get a wee twinge of jealousy. Not that I would want to settle down where I grew up in Florida. No ma'am. But, I am always pulled in two directions, one of staying put and the other of seeking new adventures. Will I ever tire of new, life altering adventures? I hope not, but I hope I can find a partner just as adventurous as me in the future.

I am so relieved it's Friday. It was a very long week at work. Not much action. The court of appeal turned out to be a bust too. I didn't get to hear the oral argument I wanted to hear because the other party didn't show up, so the guy I wanted to hear decided not to give his argument. But, I did get to hear about an interesting embezzlement case and a jurisdiction case. And, I lied. There is no stained glass in that room (except the room in my head), but there are flower carvings surrounded by beautiful carved boxes of different sizes. When you look up at the dome, it feels a little bit like going down the rabbit hole.

The sun made a quick appearance and has now gone back into hibernation. We have about 3 weeks of heavy rain someone told me? Crap!

OMG no more

I emailed the dude back about helping with a resume, but he has not responded. There goes my first client! Boo! Well, not like I expected much to come of it, but it would have been crazy cool to have someone pay me to help them with their resume!

I went to court this morning, hoping to catch my boss in action. I sat through several cases, and as always, our case came up last. The judge ended up closing the courtroom, and I got booted out, so they could have an In Camera discussion, basically a not public discussion. I was a bit disappointed, so as the clerk was locking up the door, I looked up hopefully at her and told her I worked for Barbara and inquired as to whether they would open the door after the private discussion. She told me probably not, so I ended up going into work. Turns out, they did reopen the doors, so I should have just waited!

There was a new commissioner, and I wanted to check him out. A commissioner is not voted in by the public, but rather, voted in by other judges. It's kind of a slick way to get on the bench, but the catch is most people don't know they don't have to stipulate to a commissioner and just assume they have to have the commissioner hear their case. As I get more involved in the legal system, I become increasingly aware at how many rights people don't even realize they have in a courtroom, and for those fortunate enough to have enough money for attorneys, they can be taken care of properly. For those in pro per, too bad for them. It's really a big bummer, but I can't think of a feasible solution to that dilemma. I don't think I spelled dilemma right, but this smart computer isn't underlining it red, so I'm going with it.

I was also surprised by the lack of formality. The clerk was clacking her keyboard so loud that I could hardly hear. She kept leaning over to talk to the judge while litigants were talking. The court reporter got snippy with a lady who was talking over the judge. People were walking all over the courtroom and not being so quiet about it. The commissioner told several people he hadn't even read their papers, and quickly rushed them through talking, asking them questions that were already in their papers and making harried orders. I have heard from people that family law is treated as a joke. That law and procedure go out the door. As one attorney complained that she did not receive all of the pages in a document, and that it was on the wrong paper (not on pleading paper), the judge stared her down and made some comment about practicality. I asked my boss if in other areas of law if they would make the attorney do the papers again, and she thought they would. I have yet to attend a hearing in San Francisco, but I understand that it is a much more formal courtroom. The SF courthouse is beautiful, and I did get to peak into a room once, and it really was quite a beauty. But, the most stunning courtroom I have been inside was the SF Court of Appeals. I attended my boss' oral argument as support to her and our client. Stained glass ceilings and windows lined the room. It was spotless, yet comfortable. As the justices rolled out in their black robes and the bailiff called "All Rise...." I realized this was the real deal.

I think one of the greatest gifts my boss has given me in my career, is that she took the fear out of the court system. She has forced me to walk into courtrooms and hand clerks documents. She has made me call the clerks on many occasions to calendar hearings. She has made me serve opposing counsel pleadings, and serve subpoenas on banks. I thank her greatly for that. When I think back to when I first started and that paralyzing fear of walking into a courtroom or serving documents, I chuckle a bit. We talked about me leaving again today. It is hard for her to grasp, and we are both in very transitional places with our lives. She may want to move into the city or go up north to her country home in the mountains. Either way, she doesn't think she will continue her practice the same way without me, which makes me feel a mixture of pleasure(that I have that much of an impact) and a sense that I am abandoning her. If I were staying in the area, I would work for her as long as I could afford it. She is an exceptional human being in many ways, and I hope whatever attorney I work for next in my new town, will be just as amazing.

Nothing new to report really. School and financial aid, taken care of. Work and home, same stuff, different day. Gym, check. Although the scale said I gained a pound, that lying sack of metal and plastic. I am excited to go school supply shopping though. I have an affinity for office/school supplies and I like my mechanical pencils and my matching folders and spiral notebooks. It makes me feel like a kid again, except without worrying if my Lisa Frank ponies are not cool enough.

OMG

Someone responded to my Craigslist ad for help with a resume already...HOLY CRAP!!

At your service

So a friend joked with me and said I should post a resume writing service on Craigslist. This morning, I did. I hope I can't get in trouble in any way for that, but it's done. As soon as I checked out my post though, I saw another resume writing service from a very bonafide dude with an 866 number and resume to boot. We'll see if anyone takes my bait after that kind of competition.

I had one of those glorious sweats at the gym. The bf thinks it happens when I eat salty stuff, and I think he's right. So does this give me a free pass to eat chips and sausage before the gym so I can sweat it off? Probably not.

After my glorious gym sweat and ensuing hot shower, I started going through clothes. I had a chat with my mom earlier in the day, and I was getting panicked about how to get my stuff out of CA. Trailer, UPS, postal ground service? Just overwhelmed and freaked out. After having a good mom talk in the morning, and a nice brain break at the gym, I came home and pulled out every single thing in every single one of my drawers. Socks, undies, skirts, and PJ's filled 5 drawers. I got rid of skirts I haven't worn in ages, old PJ's that are just not worth it, and oh how heartbreaking, tons and tons of nylons, pantyhose, and fun thigh highs. Truth be told, I rarely wear the thigh highs anymore, but I like the infinite options available to me when I'm "feeling it." But, each time I let go of "things" I feel a little bit lighter. I then moved on to my shirts and pants. Goodbye too tight shirts that I vowed to fit into again. So long ugly capri pants that never fit me right in the first place. Two bags and some odds and ends later, I had completed an official dump of junk. Now, my belongings fill 3 drawers instead of 5, which is progress. I feel like I should be able to fit it all into my car. Clothes, sewing machine, kitchenaid mixer, books, dvds, possibly the crockpot (though i can get a cheap one from a thrift store I'm sure), jewelery, and I really can't think of much more that has to come with me. I envision my new bedroom being simple, yet homey and cute. I am looking forward to buying a comfy bed, soft sheets, and a new comforter. I'm looking forward to buying some online prints and framing them. It should be a fun project to redo the room. I also have been looking on craigslist for furniture for sale, and found a hope chest that would be perfect. I doubt that particular hope chest will be still be for sale when I move, but I realize that hope chest is a perfect nightstand and great place to store my photos and albums.


I went over to my friend's place. Her son was running around with a poopy butt and no pants. And her little infant was crawling around like a wind up toy. She had made a fabulous crock pot beef stew made with what I think to be canned tomatoes, zuccini, potatoes, and hunks of beef. It would have been perfect with some cornbread -- if I only knew to bring some! She then made an apple pie in a way I have never seen, but very easy for any lay person to do. She bought store bought crust (with two crusts), and filled one of the crusts with a mix of red and green apples, pecans, and hunks of caramel, and a sprinkle of cinnamon. She then took the other crust and layed it on top of the pie, sprinkled with cinnamon, cut holes, and voila. That was a mighty fine pie, and I think I will be buying ingredients for that today, but my version will need some brown sugar and butter. We had a good chat, and of course, the chats are always serious in nature, mostly centering around her difficult divorce. She constantly thanked me for listening, and mentioned others were getting sick of hearing about it. It does grate on my nerves, but I think working in a family law office for over two years has made me realize just how damaging divorce can be, especially when children are involved. I commended her for being able to manage two young children, make a healthy, home cooked meal, and make a pie...without a partner. As frustrating as it gets for me to constantly listen to the same things over and over, I keep in mind that when I was going through my stuff with the last guy, thankfully I had people to listen to my crazy thoughts. She let me know again that her offer stood of letting me sleep in the cottage, which I thanked her for. Hopefully, I won't have to do it because the idea of moving AGAIN, just to move AGAIN in a few months sounds incredibly overwhelming and stressful.

After dinner at friend's place, I called the bf to let him know I was going to another friend's place to watch a movie. He said "sure..." and I realized he thought I was going to hang out with a dude. I told him to stop being a dick and hung up. I went to the friend's house, and she is a godsend for letting me do laundry at her place. My stenchy workout shirt is now clean! Unfortunately, I passed out during the movie, and was not good company. I'll have to make that up to her somehow!

We did have a little chat about how experimental the bay area is. Her New Year's was spent with a dance/yoga/something of the like group that her friend belongs to. I was invited to a Martin Luther King celebration. I like the idea in theory, but I do feel a little weird as a privileged white girl honoring MLK with a bunch of other white people. I invited my friend, and we decided to go for it because, why the hell not. So next Saturday, that is on. But, we did chat about how these are very bay area things, and I would have to agree. I told her it's just not my thing, and I can appreciate those kind of things, but it's not "my thing."

This morning has started out quite productive. I went online to check out my transcript for school, and it's looking mighty fine. I hope to graduate with honors..if you can do that with a certificate? I checked out the textbooks I need for my classes (starting in 2 weeks), and they are very inexpensive. I also checked out my financial aid status, and it looks like a fat chunk of money will be heading my way mid-January. Before I get too excited though, that money will be directly deposited into my moving savings account, so no touchy for me.

I have not eaten breakfast this morning, and I'm starving. I do need to hit the grocery store, and I was throwing around a lineup of dinners/lunches for the next week, so I don't go bananas in the store. So here goes...

DINNER:
Penne pasta with marinara and sliced sausage, garlic bread, asparagus
Marinated teriyaki chicken stir-fry and assorted veggies with white rice
Carbonara with sweet onion ravioli, broccoli, and ciabatta bread
Spiral ham, yam bake, and salad

LUNCH:
Honey roasted turkey breast on whole wheat pita, with a slice of cheese and fresh spinach

BREAKFAST:
Honeycrisp apple

Writing down my food line-up for the week makes me feel a little funny inside. I see my eating pattern. Lite breakfast and lunch, heavy dinner. Oh fucking well. Again, I like my food and will not deprive myself of food pleasures until I have to dammit.

Tomorrow should be a fun day at work. I'm going to a hearing with my boss. I won't sit at counsel table, but I asked if I could just go to watch. The court is open to the public, but I could be doing more exciting things, like filing at work! Right. So, this is a hearing on appellate fees, and I'm interested in seeing how this new commissioner responds to the parties, and see what he's all about. I have been to court several times with my boss, one including her oral argument on a contested custody issue. She is an amazing speaker, both graceful and forceful at the same time. She is really fun to watch in action, and I'm looking forward to seeing her in action tomorrow morning!

A love letter to the Sun

Dear Sun,

I know we have had our fair share of disputes. I curse you in the summer for being too bright, and I long for the cold air and clouds to make you and your heat disappear. I am very hard on you, and I realize, that you might be sensitive. After two weeks of grey cloud cover, and no hint of your bright, smiling face this winter, I am begging you to make an appearance. I haven't been the nicest to you, but I hope you are a forgiving orb and will come out to play for awhile.

Sincerely,
Your humble fan

Seriously, the grey cloud cover has gotten quite old. It makes me want to curl up under the electric blanket and not move. This can be a fun thing in moderation, but with no hint of sun for that long has made it downright depressing.

My mom told it might snow in Florida this morning. I never saw a drop of snow when I lived there, and this miracle happens when I'm not there.

Today, I was planning on doing some pre-move cleanouts. Clothes that I don't wear, but cannot part with, will now be parted with. I was considering getting the books I want to take to the post office and shipping them to the folks. It's still too early, yeah yeah I know, but doing stuff like this makes me feel in control over the situation.

On Option #2 friend: Today we were going to hang out, with our plans dependent on the weather. She mentioned the discovery museum with the kids or if weather permits, a day in the park. So, I get a text message before 8am this morning (which woke me up, grumble) and then I hope on facebook. I ask what she's thinking for plans. Her idea was to go to get her kid's hair cut, go out to lunch, go back to her place to play with the kids, then have a dinner. That is just a bit too much for me in one day. First of all, I can't afford to go out for lunch AND dinner, I'm trying to be frugal right now. Second, that is a LONG, LONG day. Too long if you ask me. So, I let her know I could do lunch OR dinner, and received no response, and then poof she was offline. Internet failing, or annoyance that I want to spend some of the day with myself? I don't know. But the point is, this is option 2 friend, and this dialogue between us represents why I am not comfortable just going to live with her right now. The last month...maybe, but 4 months of no me time would be way too rough. She is in a very needy place right now, and unfortunately, I am needy in my own way right now, and that does not make for a good pair of roommates. She needs constant friendship and a shoulder regarding her divorce, and I need time and space to save, get my stuff together, study, and go to school. I'm not a big jerk, and I help when I can, but I am just not able to be a non-sexual emotional partner to her. And I just sent her a private message for damage control. And, my friend wants me to watch movies with her tonight, which sounds much more appealing to me.

I did get a new health insurance plan. My old one had gone up to 170 per month with dental, and that was just too much for me. And no, my boss does not pay for my health insurance...remind me to never get into that kind of situation again. So, I shopped around and found an ok plan for 80 a month. I get two visits a year at the copay price, and because I'm not sickly and rarely go to the doctor, I went for it. I also have the option of tacking on dental insurance, which I do need for my teeth woes have no end, for 25-40 per month. I am very happy with those options, and I will be paying much less money per month than I have been. I could also get vision coverage, and boy, would mama love a new pair of glasses or even try out contacts. VSP is 16 a month, but they make you pay it in a lump sum of 200 upfront. I don't know how I feel about that because I'm crossing my fingers that I will have benefits at whatever new job I have, and I really don't want to throw down money like that right now on something I don't really NEED.

I do NEED to pay my over 200 to the DMV to renew my license and registration. Really, CA, 200??? I even called the DMV and asked if that was right. Apparently, rates have doubled in CA. Thanks, Arnie!

I chatted with another friend who used to work with me. She and her hubby moved to North Carolina. I told them of my moving plans, and they agreed that CA was just too expensive to live. They miss the food here, but are happy they made the move. They have a baby, and it is nearly next to impossible for an average working class family to survive here. Which brings me to another reason I want to move. I want options. Options to buy a home, options to have a kid and not go bankrupt in the process, options to have a real savings account for real vacations. I could do that here in CA, if I got two jobs. Not a very likely option, nor an appealing one.

I thought if I started blogging everyday, I would eventually run out of things to say and have a clear head. Blogging has had the opposite effect on me, and now I can't shut my cyber mouth. I haven't been perfect with daily updates, but I've stopped tagging my posts because they are such a mishmosh of things.

I think I will treat myself to a nice breakfast of sausage and eggs, let that settle, and hit the gym. I hope I don't see Sweet Cheeks.

Dusty

A couple of years ago I met a man in the local laundromat. There were clothes just sitting in a washer for quite some time, and I saw a man sleeping on a chair. I went to gently wake him up to ask if those were his clothes. He did not stir. I took a walk while my clothes were spinning, and came back to the laundromat. The man in the chair was awake and looked at me. He asked if I was the one who tapped him. I nodded yes. He seemed like a nice fellow, but the clothes were not his. Turns out he was homeless and just needed a place to sleep. I walked with him the local fast food joint and bought him some food.

I then began to see this fellow on a regular basis, wandering the main strip of my town. I would always stop to chat with him, and he gave me a CD of his. One night, after a long day of school, I went to a yummy cream puff place and headed into my town with two cream puffs in hand. One for me, and one for the bf. I saw Dusty that night, and reluctantly gave him my cream puff. He stared at my boobs, and told me what a great pair I had. Immediately, I tensed up and told him I needed to go. When I would see him after that, he would hit on me, and I stopped being friendly altogether. I saw him at the laundromat again and he started bragging about his female conquests, which made me horribly uncomfortable. He asked where I lived, but I wouldn't tell him. I hauled ass out of the laundromat and made a vow to not do laundry alone at night anymore.

He disappeared for quite some time. He was well known in town when he disappeared and there were rumors that he was arrested for shoplifting. Dusty was gone for awhile, until one night my friend/neighbor told me she saw a man sleeping in the back of our apartment by the creek. I found it odd, but didn't think too much of it, as I live in a pretty hippy town, and the fact that someone was sleeping by the creek did not seem so odd. The next morning, I saw Dusty washing himself with a hose near my apartment. I took off in the other direction, and luckily he did not see me. My friend told me he was sleeping there every night, and I eventually called the police. It may seem like a heartless thing to do, but this dude was creepy and unstable, and I really was not comfortable with him being so close to my apartment in such a way. Our apartments are in a very safe area, and it is not uncharacteristic to leave the doors unlocked, or even keep the doors open totally.

Dusty disappeared again for a long time, which brings us to present time. I spoke of my crazy ass neighbor some posts back, and how she barged into my apartment babbling about having an affair with a younger man. Well tonight the bf went to get his laundry, and saw Dusty walking away from our apartment complex. Coocoo bird stepped outside moments after that to light a smoke. Now, I'm speculating like mad here, but I think Dusty and Coocoo are having a little lovefest. I really am not sure how I will handle it if Dusty becomes a regular guest around here, but I'm hoping I am very wrong about those two. They are very unstable separately, but together, I am not sure what kind of chaos they could create.

I actually don't know Dusty's real name. He got the name from locals because he's so dirty and is always covered in a layer of grime. He looks like he just walked out of a sandstorm.

Enough of Dusty and on to Sweet Cheeks. I will preface by saying that I am a very tolerant person. Not much bothers me, gets under my skin, etc. But the gym scene is an annoyance for me in general as it seems like a pick-up joint for many there. Today, wow, today, I went to the gym after work. I turned around to see a really cute girl, wearing a tank top and the shortest shorts possible. Her cheeks were literally hanging out of the bottom. I quickly turned my head. I was mortified. Could she be for real? How does someone work out in clothes like that. I contemplated going up to her and asking her what the hell she was thinking, but I suppose it's none of my business. I've seen some ladies sporting the tight pants and short shorts, but this was over the top...or not enough over the bottom. Ridiculous.

Boston Legal is a great show, but I watched a scene tonight that made me grimace. As far as I know, a judge cannot just have one partie's counsel in the judge's chambers. That would be ex parte communication, and I've never heard of that happening. Also, as far as I know, there are no surprise witnesses anymore and a witness list needs to be provided to the other party ahead of time. 'And, for the love of god, two attorneys from the same firm can't represent different parties. Duh! Oh well. But, that kid from Cougartown was on tonight, and I have a little bit of a crush on him. And, I also must say that 30 Rock is a great show. I've been into tv alot lately because it's cheap entertainment.

Another thing I'm excited for when I move to the east coast is.........EGGROLLS. Yep, eggrolls. I'm a huge lover of Chinese food, and although San Fran and the surrounding areas have some of the freshest and most flavorful chinese food around, the eggrolls are just not up to par. The eggrolls out here are spring rolls. Even if you order an eggroll, you get a spring roll. I miss the chewy exterior of a real eggroll, and I also miss duck sauce. No duck sauce in sight here, and I get funny looks when I inquire in futility. I really want to find some great places to eat up there, and I wonder what the local cuisine is like. I think on the whole, Marin is very asian/latino centric with foods, which is fine by me, because I love those cuisines with a passion. I should do some research, and I've checked out Yelp already. I think Italian will be the dominating cuisine, and I think it will be damn good Italian too. I've already experienced some fresh, delicious italian up there, and I was quite pleased to enjoy the food at that little gem!

On to some reading. I'm reading The Fellowship of the Ring..again. So, if anyone has some reading suggestions, I would love to hear them!

Mikey Cheese

I went to one of my favorite delis to grab my lunch. Their menu is huge and not very themed. You can order hamburgers, enchiladas, breakfast, salads, smoothies, and egg rolls amongst many other international treats. It is cold and wet here, and I was really craving a burger and fries. By some miracle, I passed up the burger for a salad. A chicken caesar salad. Before anyone gets their panties in a bunch about how many calories are in that salad, I have already thought about it, and frankly, don't give a damn. I am just trying to insert as many green things into my digestive system as possible, without worrying if there is a layer of slippery, yolky dressing. The owner made the salad. It's never as good when he makes it. He scimps out on the dressing, and I have no soupy runoff to dip my bread into.

I ran into an old coworker at the deli. This is the 2nd time I've seen him this week after almost a year of not seeing him. I saw him last week at my 2nd time at the movies to see AVATAR! Last time before that was at a mutual friend's place for a card game. The mutual friend is a nice guy, but I thought he might have a crush on me, so being the mature adult that I am, I just stopped talking to him, and totally ignored him. So the old coworker, Mikey Cheese, is just a fantastic guy. He worked in the cheese and wine department, and always had a genuine smile on his face. He quit "The Hole" after many years of dedicated work, to work for a local cheese vendor. He told me he's interested in going back to the hole.

I see a lot of people going back to Whole Foods after time away. It was an extremely hard thing to do for me to quit, and it took months of panic attacks, stomach pains, and tears to finally make my big decision to quit. The company offers fantastic benefits, a great working environment (if you aren't in leadership!), and room for growth. It's hard to leave that, but for those gung-ho achievers like myself can get burned by the WF process. I equate it to going through a divorce. There are feelings of post-separation anxiety. Did I do the right thing? Will I find anything better? But, I love the people I work with! So many emotions involved with leaving...JUST A JOB. But, the kicker is that the company sets it up in a way so that it's not just a job, and you feel personally invested and responsible for the profits and losses. This can be a great thing for awhile, but I do have to say, being responsible for someone else's business, with someone else's rules, can really take a toll. But, for some people, it's a permanent goodbye, and for others, it's just a see ya later. As I've seen some very shady things happening in the company I used to love, I'm glad I was a permanent goodbye. Although, it was tough, with a couple of "oh, I fucked up, please take me back" moments.

I normally don't update at work, but today is an unusually lax day. The boss is in court and we spent all morning preparing for a hearing. After a very stressful week, I'm happy to take a few minutes out of my workday to gab with myself.

I touched base with the potential roomie again. Looks like it is still a possibility! I would be so thankful if that situation worked out. It seems to be a very good fit for me, and I love the idea of living near a river, so I can take walks and bike ride. I don't have a bike, but maybe this means I will get one. In my head, there lives a cute, little vision of walks on the river, canoeing, winter sledding on a garbage can lid, finding a fabulous job that makes me feel that my student loans were worth it, and finding some great people to get to know. I just need to keep that little film in my head going and manifest the crap out of it.

There is a city there that is well known for being a foodie town. There are many foodnetwork challenges, and other fun food related events happening there. Also one of the best culinary academies in the country is centrally located, and I think it would be pretty rocking to take a cooking class or two.

It's a Small World

So, I previously wrote about the girl taking my bf on a birthday "date." Her name is "S."

Now, after I moved out of my roommates place, they got a nice couple to live there, but they did not stay long. After they left, "J" took my place. Apparently, J is a young girl, who enjoys the sauce and likes to dance. They think she is really cute and enjoy her as a roomie.

While making my sloppy joes and mashed potato cakes, I received a call from the bf. He told me S's little sister now lives in my old room. J is S's little sister. Holy weirdness. I called my old roomie and kindly asked her to keep my crazy stories at a minimum. Not that I expect to be talked about, but in casual conversation it could potentially come up that their old roommate met a guy from **, visited him a bunch, almost moved there, etc. Not that I am worried about the guilt factor if J told S and S told the bf. I'm more worried about the hurt factor. I kept these goings-ons quite private from the bf (he was not my bf at the time), for the sake of not hurting him even more. I met the bf in a similar way, and I know it would destroy him to know that I almost did the same thing again with someone else.

So, the roomie laughed and told me of course she wouldn't talk about that. I just hope it hasn't already been mentioned. Big giant yikes.

Taking a break from the gym tonight. I have been going religiously each day, running in place until my sweat pours, but yesterday my body whispered to me that it had enough of the weights. So, tonight body, special treat for you...sloppy joes and no gym!

I enrolled in my courses. I couldn't get into the criminal law class, but got into probate instead. Not nearly as exciting, but I'll take it.

I have not heard back from the prior potential roomie. I'm hoping she found someone else, or is really busy from the holidays, and that it wasn't my charming personality that turned her off. It's a little bit of a bummer, but I am looking so far ahead, that maybe I need to give it a rest for a month before I go back to full charge roomie searching again.

I started looking up things to do at my new location. There is a beautiful state part right in the middle of the state and maybe 20 mins from where I want to be. There is a historical village, canoe tours, hiking, and general sites to see. I am very excited for that. There is also a saturday farmer's market that is one of the best in the country. Double stoked.

I troll the citi data forums daily. One person wrote the most amazing post which I will share...

"I just moved to **. On a more philosophical note, my greatest happiness and accomplishments in life have always come from doing things that people thought were crazy (or: "imprudent", "not recommended", and alike). So when people disapprove of my plans, I usually know I'm on the right track. After all, if you do what everyone does, you get the results that everyone gets. Now, if that's what you want, then you are alright, of course.

Anyway, I heard and read all kinds of stuff before I moved to **, and to ** (!) on top of this: I'd be murdered within three days, people are rude, traffic is crazy, the weather is unbearable, the air so polluted that you cannot breathe, every apartment is roach-infested, you cannot park your car without having it stolen within five minutes, the prices are overinflated, etc. etc. etc. (read: bla bla bla).

Granted, I have only been here 36 days, but so far it's been absolutely fantastic - didn't get killed yet and my car is still splendid, had great conversations with all kinds of different people of various ethnic backgrounds and found everyone extremely nice, have been able to tolerate the traffic (what traffic?) and temperatures with relative ease, took walks and discovered great architecture, and my cats are still impatiently waiting for the promised roaches. Some things are more expensive compared to where I came from, others are less.

You need to do what makes YOU happy, not what others think will make you happy. If you know what you want and where to find it, you're good to go. Sometimes you'll be mistaken, as we all are, and will get those "told you so" comments. But most people like to complain and most people are afraid of anything they don't know, so I wouldn't be overly concerned about what they think. I think your plans sound great: go get your dream acre in **!"

I loved this post. I want to find this person and make out with them uncontrollably. I think this person could be my soulmate. It brought a huge smile to my face to read this. In life, we get so bogged down by what other people's ideas for happiness is, that we forget to take a step back and do what makes YOU happy. I adore you Poster, whoever you are.

Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

So the bf asked if I was cheating on him last night. I was offended beyond words. He told me it was ok if I was. I was sort of speechless. Apparently, my actions (or non-actions) are making quite an impact.

I've never cheated. This is a large part of the reason I broke up with him way back when, so I could explore a possible relationship. I did not go back with him until that relationship was officially not happening.

It makes me wonder a bit. I mean he knows me very well, probably better than I know myself. So, does me going to the gym and not wanting to make out mean I'm cheating? Maybe he doesn't know me the way he used to, because to say something like that to me, is so far off base, it's ridiculous.

Maybe it's the underwear he found in my car. I mean it was my underwear, and it was only there because the jeans I wore had a lump in the leg, which was a pair of my underwear. I wasn't going to turn around to bring the undies upstairs. I just pulled up my pantleg and the panties rolled out, and I threw them in the car. I don't know.

The boss and I had a good chat today. I let her know that I wanted to take three classes, and we worked out my schedule to make that possible. She asked me if I wanted to move after school. She laughed at me, and said she would believe it when she sees it. Comments like that make me more determined. There is nothing I can't stand more than when someone doesn't believe me when I say I'm going to do something. After discussing it further, I told her again, that after school, I'm leaving. I told her without the bf, I have no reason to be here. She disagreed, which again, set off a trigger in me. She said maybe I'd find the love of my life in CA. I told her I don't want to find anyone out here, I want to LEAVE here. I am so far from family, and really, I have my heart set on it, and I don't think I need to rationalize and justify it to people. It's what I want to do, and that's that.

So we talked about how to replace me. Keep in mind that this isn't happening until late May/early June, but hey, I guess we are very into planning. I run the show there, and have created systems, files, and all kinds of things that work for me as far as organization. I do a lot of work there and maintain it all. She told me she can't imagine doing both of our jobs. I can't imagine that either.

It was hard to go back to work after a nice, extended weekend. But, it's back to the grind. Tomorrow I enroll in classes and wait for the school fun to begin!

I can't think of anything

I sweat at the gym yesterday like I've never sweated before on an eliptical. The sweat was pouring down from my face and my chest was slick. I love, love it when I can get that sweaty, but boy, I needed a good, long shower after that.

It's been nearly a month since I've joined, and I feel my that my stamina has increased. I'm not seeing inches fall of my waistline, but I am feeling tighter in places that were more jiggly a month ago.

My teach emailed me back. I got an A in his class, so that made me happy for sure. I used to not really care about grades, but when it's looked at in terms of self-accomplishment, getting an A is very rewarding.

I spent a few hours at a friend's place yesterday. He just graduated with a BS in geology. He needed help creating a decent resume and cover letter. I got him all set up, with a resume and profile on Monster as well. He told me I should charge people for this. Maybe it could be my side gig. But then if people don't get responses from their resume, I don't want to be held responsible.

I chatted with one of my exes on facebook yesterday. Then she asked if she could call me. We broke up over 7 years ago, and it was not on peaceful terms. The relationship got ugly, and one morning I woke up and said I was done. I packed up my belongings and drove to the parents place, and I was there by midnight that day. We chatted about life, and she did inquire into what happened with us a little. We have both moved on from that, but there were obviously some questions for her, and I hope she got the answers she was looking for. We talked about getting older and heading into our 30's soon enough, and how that made us feel. I told her I was a little freaked out by leaving a long term relationship at this age. I mean this is the age where people settle down and get married. I do have my concerns about going single at this age. I'm moving to a somewhat suburban state, where the divorce rate is low, and many people marry their high school sweethearts. I worry a little about finding myself a good relationship in the future because most people my age are just getting married and settling down. I can't worry too much about that I suppose, or I will just lose it.

Turns out another friend of mine is heading east as well. His home is in D.C. and I'm crazy excited for him. He is leaving in about two months, but there is a tiny part of me that wonders if it will work that way, and maybe we will be headed the same way at the same time. I asked him about bringing "stuff." I have acquired a ton of stuff since I've been in CA, and all of it seems really horrifying to part with. He told me to bring only the stuff I'm attached to and family stuff. That totally freaks me out. There are things like my roller skates, my dvd collection, my books, my big computer, my new keyboard, my tons of clothes and shoes, my jewelery, my photos and photo albums. It feels like so much. There are some things that should not come as much as I want them to. Presents from the bf and his mom like cute fairy knick-knacks and little jewelery boxes. Oh, it's hard to think of not having that stuff.

When I moved out last year, I brought very minimal things with me. My room was like a monk's room. A bed, a table, and a dresser. It was very hard for me to feel settled and make it feel like home without my "stuff." Granted, I think part of the issue of home-iness was that I knew it wasn't permanent, and I had big plans of moving cross country back then. But, there are things I want to bring with me for security. So, that will be a slow process these next few months, of donating and giving away the non-necessities.

A friend and his crock pot inspired me to do one of my favorite crock pot meals - Short ribs! Salt and pepper the ribs, sear them, toss in crock with favorite BBQ sauce and water, let it slow cook for 8 hours and voila! I'm making that with some homemade mashed potatoes and broccoli. Should be a yummy dinner.

I'm also going to see Avatar again with a friend today! It's so worth it!

Champagne kisses and cavier dreams

I'm not a big drinker. I like a beer once in awhile at a bar. I like a fancy cocktail at a nice restaurant. I like a shot of vodka at a party with friends. But, I don't like to sit at home and drink. I don't drink because I like the flavor. I drink to get a little tipsy and loosen up.

Now, the bf on the other hand, likes his booze. Not that he's an alcoholic, but he likes his beer, champagne, and wine. He always gets all over for me for not drinking with him. I just don't see the hook on sitting at home and drinking with just him. Not fun to me. Sometimes a little wine with dinner. I can enjoy wine, but in all honesty, it doesn't taste *good* to me. To the dismay of bay area winos, I chug it. I chug my wine, and no I don't sniff, swirl, and discuss the slight notes of ceder and chocolate. I drink to get drunk, not for leisure.

So last night after popping my lasagne in the oven, our neighbor/friend came over. He brought over some beers and offered me one. I said sure. I got the stinkeye from the bf, and he made a nasty comment about how I won't drink with him, but when there is someone over, I will drink with them. So then starts the pissing match.

I ended up having some of the beer, but not really enjoying it because I knew I would hear it from the bf. Absolutely ridiculous. As soon as the friend left, I got blasted for never drinking with him, but having a beer when a friend comes over. He said I have some "weird" thing with him, and he's getting used to the "new me."

Maybe he's a little right in that I don't sit around and drink with him. I really don't. It is just not a good time for me. I suppo0se one should be able to have a drink at their home with their significant other without hangups. I don't know what the deal is with that, but him making rude comments sure doesn't help. Moments like that make me feel like a prisoner. I greatly value my freedom. Not just the freedom of speech and the like, but real freedom to say "f this, I don't like this, I'm out." I can't do that right now. I can't leave even though I would love nothing more than to pack my belongings and bid this place adieu.

That blasted school is holding me captive for one more semester. Again, I am thankful that I have the time now not to rush my move, but I can be pretty impulsive, so things holding me down and anchoring me make me feel resentful. However, I know the beer fight was a passing moment, and that once I finish school, I will feel free again, and ready to conquer the world.

My teacher said any law firm would be lucky to have me. So, I took his edits from my resume and updated my Monster resume. I took out that I was relocating this summer and just put in Paralegal/Legal Assistant. I wonder if I will get more bites. As of today, I had 3 views of my resume, and much email spam about fake employers and jobs.

My friend K made it to Colorado. She is a bit of a hero of mine. I watched her the past few months struggling with her living situation, school, finances, and emotions about her move. I see her path as the one I'm about to embark on, blazing the trail for me. And, she is now there. I am thrilled for her, and I know how emotionally and physically hard it can be to do this.

Moving in itself is rough, but moving when you are emotionally intertwined with another, and the move is severing that connection, makes it 100x more difficult in my opinion. Take that with moving to a new place, with knowing a sprinkle of people, and there is the setting for a good and proper anxiety attack. But they say there is no great reward with out great risk, don't they? Whoever "they" are.

I had a good chat with one of my old gaming buddies on Facebook yesterday. We talked about humans, and had a fun discussion on the needs, desires, and expressions of people. He might be going on his own adventure in a year, and I hope he does it, because it's one of the greatest feelings. I told him I thought all humans were basically the same, but had very different means of expression. This got me thinking about how some people are "head" people. Like, so much of the world happens in their head. It's expressed through writing, arts, and crafts. Some people don't ever like to get into deep discussions, and just prefer skating on the surface and not getting into depth about things. I think it's pretty darn interesting. I wonder if this means for me that I should find another head person to be with (because I think I am one) or find an ice skater? Maybe I just want to ice skate for awhile and enjoy the sensation.

The ironic thing about me wanting to leave is that nearly 7 years ago, I moved from FL to CA for love. I had such feelings of empowerment, excitement, wonder, and freedom that new home would bring me. Now, I feel like a prisoner in that place. Is that irony or coincidence? George Carlin would be tossing in his grave if I used irony wrong.

I would not take back or change anything that has happened since I've moved. I learned how to truly love someone. I have had life changing careers, and I have met amazing people. I've taken classes at the culinary institute, found the wonders of sewing and making jewelery. I'm almost finished with school (again). I have found myself in a way I never thought possible. I have no regrets about anything, and I would do it exactly the same way if given another chance. Doing the FL to CA move made the world seem a much smaller place, and opened up the latent adventure seeker in me. I am forever grateful for that experience. I hope that my next moving experience can provide me with such great memories and experiences.

My apple is now devoured. I'm finding that eating apples everyday is making my skin feel nice. It could be the Mt. Shasta creamy soap I'm using, but I'm betting the apples are helping me out with a little. On that apple note, I'm going to head out to my new favorite hang spot...the gym. I watched a movie at the gym yesterday with Gregory Peck and he was a lawyer gone dishwasher in the old west. He was teaching people how to read, and there was an issue about voting. I missed the beginning to really figure out what was going on. Anyone know this movie?

2010

Good morning, 2010. I'm interesting in seeing what you bring me this year, or maybe what I bring you.

For New Year's, I did not want to just sit at home. I had a couple of options for plans, but they were not *really* options because my plans had to include the bf, or I would really be an epic jerk.

I wanted to go to my favorite local Italian restaurant. I even dressed up a little fancy for it. They were closed. We headed over to the Cheesecake Factory, which is pretty good, but their menu is so overwhelming sometimes. We went in, and I immediately layed my eyes upon the wonderful beauty of a red velvet cheesecake in the display window.

I ordered myself a crispy orange chicken, with veggies and rice. The chicken was not so crispy, but very flavorful. I love that sauce. Dinner was so filling that I could not even think about the red velvet cheesecake.

After dinner, we went to see Avatar. I had no idea what it was about, so I went in with an open mind and 3d glasses. The movie theater was packed. I had no idea that going to the movies was such a popular thing to do on New Year's Eve. The movie blew my mind. I loved the concept, the psychological issues confusion of worlds, the special effects, the characters...well pretty much everything! These kind of movies that can be visually beautiful and have a great story are pretty amazing to me. Anyone want to go with me to Pandora?

We came home after the movie, and vegged out in front of the tube. Instead of champagne, I took 2 tylenol for a brewing 3d glasses headache. I called my niece and nephew at a very late hour (they are 3 hours ahead), and chatted with them for a bit. I also had fun sending and receiving New Year's texts. My texts are now free, so it's fun for me now. I suppose it's the new way of doing things.

I had another crazy dream. Let me start by saying that I'm a Pisces. In astrology, Pisces are the masters of dreams. I am a textbook Pisces, and I dream very vividly and can usually remember them in great detail the next morning. My dream last night was a mix of old college friends intertwined with scenes from Avatar. There was a group of us walking through a mall (which resembled Pandora). Two of my friends had baby demons that lived off the flesh of humans. Only a few of us knew about it, and the two friends loved their babies and would not harm them. So we strolled the mall as the baby demons attacked. Eventually, the mall-goers caught on and started chasing us around -- up and down stairs, to eventually outside, where there were floating islands and huge cliffs. We somehow got back in the mall and tried to escape, but the exits were closed and the baby demons were going nuts. Totally weird.

I made it to the gym yesterday. The scale says I lost 3 pounds. Still not sure where it's coming from, or if that's just a natural fluctuation of weight. Either way, I feel good about going, and I even felt the beginnings of a new muscle gaining strength.

I got an email from my teacher yesterday about our last assignment. He gave me very high compliments on my resume assignment, and I was very pleased. This Tuesday, I enroll in my final four classes, and there we have it.

2009 was a wild year for me in terms of my relationships. I gave up on my relationship, moved out, met someone new, tried that for about 6 months, that fell through, went back with ex and moved back in. It really shook my shit up. Not just about how I feel about specific people, but really clarifying what kind of life I want for myself and what kind of partner I hope to share that with. That was the year I realized how isolated the bf was from people, and how I got sucked into that hole with him. I have always had people around me in life. In high school, I had my jew crew. In college, I had our fun, slacker crew. The bf doesn't like people around and gets very irritated if I want to have people over. It was very unhealthy for me to get into that mess with the bf for so long, and it took a toll on me. But, that toll led to some awakenings for me about how much I've changed over the years, and my wants and needs express that change.

So, 2010 is looking like a year of finishing school and a cross country move. I think that's a pretty full plate already for day 1.