I had to reference the movie at some point. But, I am feeling a bit of the blues tonight. After a 10-hour workday, I suppose that's only natural, but there are a few thoughts in this head of mine that are contributing to the blues besides a long work day.
First though, about work. I definitely am feeling a little bit enmeshed. By enmeshed, I mean that I'm feeling the stress of an office not bringing home the bacon. When clients don't pay, I don't get good holiday bonuses. A little bratty? Maybe. But, I work my buns off in that place, and get very annoyed when wealthy clients make an active choice not to pay, then become passive aggressive when questioned about this. My bonus will be small, but I am lucky to get one. Though, when we talk about the finances at work, I can feel my chest tighten, and I definitely take on feeling more of the burden than I should. That seems to be my nature though, and something that I need to work on.
I'm feeling very "bah humbug" tonight about the holidays. And, I've been super good about getting over some recent things in my life, but sometimes it just comes back to bite you in the tush. If my plans of just a few months ago had come to be, I would be in my snowy winter wonderland right now. I would be much closer to my family, and I would be satisfied in being where I wanted to be. I have put a real lid on what happened in that situation, but the lid is busted wide open tonight, and I feel really f-ing pissed about how things worked out. I'm pissed that I didn't get to take the christmas walk in NYC as promised, and I'm pissed that I'm not in that adorable yellow house this year. Could I possibly be a little..b..b..b..BITTER? Yeah, I think so, and I think it's warranted. At least for tonight.
As I am typing this out and e-venting, I remember the promise that I made to myself when things fell apart. That I would create adventures for myself and not depend on another person to create them for me. And I mean big, life altering adventures. If I had made the move when I was supposed to, would things have lasted? Would I be lonely and miserable because I depended on another to do this transition? Would I be on the other coast, twiddling my thumbs? I will never know the answer to that, and I sometimes wonder it ever crosses this other person's mind too. Regardless, I need to focus on looking ahead, and remember that I am in charge of my own destiny, and I will work very hard on making my next adventure as smooth as possible.
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