About qutting smoking

This blog thing is great! I once heard that "it's only a daydream if you think about it, but a goal if you write it down," or something to that effect.

So last night, I wrote down that I wanted to quit smoking. There it was, in black and white (and green and pink dots) staring at me in the face. So, I didn't buy a pack last night, and I was ok with that.

This morning I woke up feeling great. I got my apple and plopped in front of the computer as part of my morning ritual. I surfed Facebook, emails, and craigslist. Got dressed and hopped in the car. Normally, I get in the car and light a smoke right away. This time, I just turned up my music really loud and sung my little lungs out.

I ran to the court to file some papers, and then ran to the stationary store to get a glittery, gold pen for X-mas cards. This is where the nicotine withdrawal hit me. As I left the store, my head started feeling weird. Like, it was sort of floating on my neck, but not really attached. I felt my cheeks burn, and I felt sort of panicked. Although there was nothing to be panicked or anxious about, I felt my nerves getting scattered. I rationalized with myself that this is a normal part of the process. That didn't work. I started walking to the grocery store in the shopping plaza, with my pack of smokes on my mind. I then remembered that I had the telephone number to the smoking cessation program offered by my healthcare provider. I pulled that number out in mid-walk and called. While on the phone with them, I wandered around the store, but left empty handed. I did not buy smokes. I was very short and kind of rude with the rep and apologized. Driving back to work, I had a moment of weakness and ran to the gas station to get my smokes. In the car, flick, light, and inhale.......ahhhhhh!

I learned a few things from today's experience that I wanted to share.

1. Nicotine is a dirty, yucky drug. Not only is it physically addicting, but it messes with your head. I felt angry, anxious, lonely. I also started wondering how I would function at bars and hangouts without a smoke in my hand. Could I possibly go outside with someone while they smoke and just....STAND THERE? And, for a sick moment, I thought I couldn't be myself with a cigarette in hand. Yes, nicotine, you are so very evil.

2. I need help. Traditionally, I have an "I can do it" attitude. This attitude has helped me through many situations such as, moving to California, changing careers, going back to school. But this one, oh this kicking the nicotine habit, I just can't do it alone. I need a patch or the drugs. Luckily my healthcare provider will give me anti-smoking drugs/stuff at the co-pay price because they CARE! How about that!

3. Smoking numbs you. Yes, it does. This works on many levels. You feel sad...have a smoke. You are angry...have a smoke. School stressing you out? Have a smoke! It somehow seems to make any intense situation feel more manageable. One of my friends recently quit smoking. She said she went through a variety of emotions while she was quitting, and it was really hard for her. She had to deal with her emotions instead of just grabbing a smoke and snuffing them out.

I really want to do this. Why does smoking feel so good, yet so bad at the same time?

Goals

So, my intentions were good. I was *going* to join the gym today with my friend. I was jazzed at work all day about finally signing up for the gym because let's face it, it sort of is a sucky idea...so I had to pump myself up a little. I got a call from her that she was hoping her insurance would pay for it, and she needed paperwork, bla bla. Short story is...I'm not joining the gym tonight.

I have set three goals for myself before I move. These three goals are near and dear to my heart and not too overwhelmingly unmanageable in my opinion. 1. Finish school. 2. Quit Smoking. 3. Drop some pounds.

Not too bad of a list I think. Number 1 is just going to take time and patience. Numbers 2 and 3 are going to take a bit more. And it's all intertwined. Like, the gym will cost me money, which worries me with a move looming over my head. But, I would save so much money if I quit smoking that it should't be a problem. I think I have to do them simultaneously...the quitting smoking and joining a gym part.

Then, I rationalize with myself. It's the holidays...I have stress...I can't quit smoking now. Why is it so blasted hard to quit smoking? So today, I've only had about 5, and I'm not buying another pack tonight. I'll see how I feel tomorrow...or maybe in the next hour.