Ferret X-mas party...er...nightmare...

Ferrets are illegal in California. So, having a ferret here is a huge deal. So much of a huge deal that there are many groups around the state who are a bit, let's say, fanatical about ferrets.

Every year, the Norcal group hosts a ferret Christmas party. That's right, I said it. How would an innocent soul like myself wind up at said party? Well, the bf's mom is part of the group, and I feel obligated to take her.

It seems each year at these parties, I have a theme. Last year, I was the girl who a ferret took a shit on. People were pleased this year with the dark pants I wore instead of the white skirt of last year that was smeared with a ferret's breakfast. Last year, I had an insane allergy attack and was later pulled over by a cop because I was driving too slow. I had a ferret in the car with me, and I was just waiting for him to handcuff me for having animal contraband.

This year was a whole new kind of monster. I woke up extremely early to go to class. I spent hours listening to my teacher drone on and on, repeating the same stories of the previous class. I did have a great breakfast with a friend though that morning. I raced back from the city, and was immediately thrusted into yam bake mode. Luckily, the yams were baked from the night before, so baking wasn't a problem.

The bf's mom and I ran to the store to get stuffing and other goodies for the potluck. Came back. Continued with yam bake mayhem and started on 7 boxes of cornbread stuffing mix. Baked and cooked and wrapped ferret gifts until it was time to boogie.

I would just like to say that I despise driving in the East Bay. The roads are weird to me, and I always feel like I'm going to run into one of the big cement walls on the side of the freeway. Alas, East Bay was the destination, and there was no going back.

Got to the ferret party. Received compliments on the black pants (verse the aforementioned tarnished, white skirt). More jokes about ferrets shitting on me. Played with ferrets. Ate good food. Drank hot chocolate spiked with peppermint schnaaps. Gift exchange (won a bottle of champagne, woot!).

Then, the fun started. So, there was this elderly deaf lady there. She seemed harmless. So the bf's mom started bidding on this ferret towel in the silent auction. Apparently elderly, deaf lady wanted the towel too. I'll call her EDL for short. Thus, the bidding war began. The bf's mom finally asked me to put my name down instead. Lacking anything more interesting to do, I happily obliged. A few minutes later I watched as EDL went to the table to outbid me. I whispered to the bf's mom that we were getting outed. She told me to bid higher. When EDL left, I went to the table to bid. But, the bidding sheet was gone. I peeked under the towel Aha! EDL hid it from me, but I found it! Game fucking on, bitch! So, I outbid her and stuck it right back under the towel. This went on for about an hour, me and EDL playing this sick little game of hide the bid sheet. On one occasion, she moved the towel and sheet to a different part of the table. Now, she was playing real hardball with me.

Our game went on a little more, and I told people about it. They laughed and would let me know when EDL was gone so I could bid higher. At one point, some newcomers to the table saw me hide the sheet and were aghast. I shrugged and said "she started it." I was told I was going to hell. EDL was signing frantically. She wanted to know who this mysterious person was trying to outbid her. I would like to chime in for a moment to say, I AM NOT A BAD PERSON. Deaf and elderly as she may be, but she was a rude bitch who also pocketed a plate of brownies from the host.

I asked the bf's mom to put her name down to throw EDL off. EDL was pissed at this point. She REALLY wanted that damn towel. I let her win finally...at $40 for the towel. It went to a good cause, so that's all good. I spent the rest of the night trying to avoid her, but I did hear her interpreter say "i was hoping they would close the damn auction, that other girl was driving me nuts."

She never did figure out who I was, and thank goodness, because she may have taken my ass down over that towel.