A Night of Ms. Communication

Last night was the MLK party. I received a text from the host that "my ass better be there." But, I knew my buns were not traversing the bay to her party. I did not reply back. I got a call from my friend who is (was?) moving back east. His story is a bit of a bummer, and "Q" was in a long distance relationship that failed him. I told him, I have felt that same devastation, and it took me a bit of time (and lots of anger) to realize that I could move on my own. I empathize with his pain, as I know what it's like to move 100 mph and then slam on the brakes. More like having a rug pulled out from under you that knocks ya right on your tush. I then got a text from another friend asking what I was up to that night. But, I had my hopes set high on some beers with a couple of good people. So, ignored the two texts, and grudgingly got myself to the gym to get my blood pumping and feeling good.

While in the gym, I got a voicemail from the old roomies, asking if I was going to the party. I did not respond to that voicemail either. I got to my friend's place, and we contemplated the party once more. But, it was quite a drive, and we both felt a little off by the theme. Again, I will say, no issues with MLK, but issues with rich, white kids honoring him in that light with readings, and who knows what else.

So we get a text from our friend who is asked to reschedule. I sent him a ... reply which we all know what that means. We didn't hear back, so we looked up movies and decided to grab a bite to eat. While at dinner, my phone was getting blown up with texts that I did not see until the end of dinner. I ran outside and called him back, and asked for him to call me instead of texting me. We drove to the movies, and I assumed he headed home for the evening. No beers for us last night. While at the movies, my friend's phone was getting blown up with messages, but of course, we did not know for hours later. We did get to see Youth in Revolt. I have a soft spot for cheesy high school love movies, and this one did not fail me. I also have a huge celebrity crush on Michael Cera and fantasize about all the naughty things to do to his innocent characters.

I talked to the friend we missed on FB chat, and he was actually saw me drop off our friend (he was parked in front of her place), but did not say a word. That made me feel even shittier. I feel bad that the night didn't work out, and we just could not seem to connect at all. I also feel super bad that he kept responding and we kept missing it, but I will say, he responded at least half an hour after each attempt to reach him. I'm innocent, Your Honor.

My friend said something to me last night that really made me stop dead in my tracks. She asked if I talked to long distance guy still. I told her no. She then said he might be a little paranoid that I'm moving there anyway. I felt instantly defensive, and chewed on that thought for a moment. It did not sit well with me, and I'm not totally sure why. I haven't been thinking about that scenario at all. In my head, as I play out scenes of what it will be like to live there, he is not part of that, and I don't even plan to tell him when I'm there. But, that thought was a bit unsettling to me. But that thought again got me thinking of the "why am I moving THERE?"

When I originally planned to move there, WITH him, I had really thought it out. I would not move to Kentucky or Wyoming, or a totally far out there place. I suppose I could pick any state in NE and have the same centralized things that the place I want to move has. So, why there particularly? I think it's because it's the only NE state I feel familiar with. I visited four times over a short period, and I liked it. I could see myself living there. I'm not familiar with other states up there, and it would be even more scary to move to a place I have never visited. One of my friends lives in DC, and he loves it there. I could go there, but again, never been there, know nothing about it. When I was originally moving, I did a ton of research on the area (though I will be in a different area this time), but on things like restaurants, activities, schools, etc. I think it's bittersweet that the one thing that caused me and long distance guy to fail, will fix itself, but I don't even want to tell him I'm moving.

I've been in a bit of a funk. I'm not totally sure what's causing it, but I can feel the irritation in me and lack of motivation. I may have burned myself out a bit on my move by obsessively looking online. I've done all the research I possibly can. So now I'm playing the waiting game. I'm a bit too hyper, and a bit too energized to sit and...........wait........... Thank you school, for keeping me anchored, and not allowing me to hop in my car overnight for a cross country drive.

At an attempt at poor self-analysis, I think my funk is a combination of several factors. I think my living situation has taken more of a toll than I'd like to admit. I can't be outwardly excited about things. I have to have certain conversations after he goes to work. It's a weird situation, no doubt. The weather has been nothing but gloom and doom for nearly a month now. I saw the sun for a moment, and though I never believed in the winter blues before, I'm definitely feeling the pain. It's cold and wet, and we are going to be hit with a series of hard storms in the upcoming week. Big, big boo.